THIRD PERSON: YOU ARE NOT THE SECOND CHOICE!

In the past few days, whenever I casually do my social media “surfing”, I frequently come across many videos and contents about “third person” in a relationship (or “Tuesday”, as what Vietnamese people normally call). This appears in not just the short videos on social media but also in many multi-episode movies and shows on television, and it can even get to the extreme of these situations where one discovers that their relationship has a third person happening in real life.

In fact, the topic of “third person” is nowhere around being foreign or alien to our society, even through many generations. However, in the past few years, the rapid development of media and internet technology have shed even more “lights” on this issue.

In the past, people would normally view a “third person” with a contempted, hateful and disapproving attitude, since this “third” person is considered the cause of the breakup of many families as they were thought to deliberately interrupt the happiness that was originally meant for only two people. However, as society developed, our human consciousness also expanded, and we may soon understand that not everyone wants to be the third person. Sometimes, people accidentally get caught up in a love triangle without even knowing it themselves, and it would be already late until they know everything.

I have witnessed two different scenarios. From the perspective of a wife, a mother and also a Coach, I will not judge anyone in these stories, but in turn will tell you how the two women that I know have left me with many impressions, many thoughts and realisation upon valuable lessons for myself.

First story:

I have a close sister who was about 25 or 26 years old at that time – the age of early adulthood where she had already gone working and begun taking care of her own life. At that time, she was in a beautiful relationship with a guy who also loved and spoiled her. However, even though that love affair lasted a few years, it was still prevented by the boyfriend’s parents because of religious barriers between her and the family, and the girl encountered great difficulties. No matter how hard she had fought for her love, or how much the other man loved her, but suddenly one day he went to get married in silence without my sister knowing.

When the girl figured out the truth, she was extremely hurt, broken, disappointed and felt as if everything in her world had fallen apart. If you have ever experienced the breakup of a deeply cherished love, especially when you are from 25 to 30 years old, surely you will also understand the indescribable feelings of this young girl. Even though she tried to suppress the pain and to appear strong and fine, when the night fell, she cried until her eyes swelled up, feeling helpless when thinking about the love of her life. And then, when having been immersed for too long in those losses and sufferings, my sister began to let go of her emotions and was quite superficial with life at that time.

But after all the heartbreaks, she chose to stand up and move on. After a painful fall, she soon knew how to appreciate herself more, knew how to love her life, and eventually knew how to love again. This time, she really found herself a soulmate who loves, understands and respects her wholeheartedly.

When her love was strong and in tune enough, she and her second boyfriend decided to get married. At that time, I remember how happy and joyful she was. But ironically, life continues to not allow her to be happy for too long; at that very moment, the ex-lover of her fiancé returned and carried a small being with her.

As if the pain from the old love was not terrible enough, this new incident acted as another terrible storm of heart that came and toppled that small body even more strongly and brutally.

My sister was once again faced with pain and had to make a choice: one side was the person she loved, was the soul that was once in tune with hers, was once the soulmate she wanted to stick together for a lifetime, and the other side being the life of an innocent little being. The ex-girlfriend of the fiancé constantly pressured the poor girl’s mental state and made her mind nearly explode. In the end, she gave her fiancé a chance to make a decision, despite knowing it was going to be very difficult for him. Although the poor girl tried her best to cling to that slim chance of having the man back again, the stormy days still brought her unspeakable melancholy that finally made her decide to stand up strong, step out of the relationship so that she did not have to be heartbroken and confused anymore.

On that day, she came to me with swollen eyes, a haggard face, cold tears falling in streams. She said she felt as if she was going through the feeling of taking the same dose of poison twice, making me feel extremely sad for what she had to go through. However, life is also very fair, as after spending some time with her, I also had the opportunity to see her go on and live happily again, with a stable career and a happy marriage. She is now happy with her husband who loves and respects her really much. She is still preparing to welcome a little angel to arrive very soon.  I am so happy to know that in the end, all her hard work, kindness and sincerity have been fully rewarded by life!

As for the ex-boyfriend, although he returned to the other person to take care of the small child, his love was forever irretrievable.  And then, sadly, that woman chose to end her life because of the deep despair in love and personal life that she had to bear for many years.  The man then became a single dad and raised the child on his own. His life could no longer become happy and peaceful again, unlike how my sister’s life has become.

Second story:

I know a successful woman who has a stable career and a lovely small family with lovely angels.  Her life, in the eyes of many others, seems like a dream come true. However, happiness in that small family did not last forever when one day, she accidentally met her old lover, who was also a married person. Perhaps the moment when they met someone they once loved deeply made both of their hearts rekindled the fire of love, which was thought to have been extinguished for a long time.

The two had many secret affairs with one another over so many years, even though they understood that the back and forth might bring their family happiness to the edge of the abyss.

 The woman began to have a thirst for more emotional satisfaction so she made a very “sophisticated” and detailed plan to move her husband and children to another country to live, while she remained in the country with the reason “because of work”.  The husband did not really want it, but because he sincerely loved her and thought for the future of his children, he decided to move to another country and somehow believed that his wife would go back and forth between the two places.

Nonetheless, “Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies,” her husband finally found out that she was having an affair when the wife thought that everything was still in place. 

But with great love for his children, the husband even advised and gave the wife an opportunity to return to the family and to join with the children to another country to start over. But that woman admitted her adultery frankly, and did not hesitate to express that she was still very much in love with the lover and still wanted to choose the other man over her current family and her children.

On the lover’s side, he also made promises to the woman about the life the two would have together in the future, that he would divorce his wife and would give the woman a richer, fuller and happier life as she wished.

But unfortunately, that picturesque life did not happen at all. As soon as the woman decided to step out of her home, to run to the lover of her dreams, and to cultivate the young love of the two, the other man began to reveal his untruthful side.  He ended up not wanting to divorce his wife, but also wanted to still live with his lover as before.

A mature and successful man like him certainly could not be impulsive in marriage. The person he chose to be his wife must be someone who he would always have respect for and would desire to keep by his side, even if he did not have any love for her. And what about still keeping the lover? Perhaps it was just the man’s feeling not wanting a part of his possessions to belong to someone else.

Sometimes men cheat not because they feel bothered or irritated by their wife, but because they just like to try “strange” and new things. Or even if they do not like strange things, they will never give up on a delicious “meal” that is offered right at their mouth, unless that person is really brave!

This is exactly what third-persons often get stuck in. They always think that the other party does not love their spouse and does not want to be with that person, so they come to them and only love them. And they think that because of their family and small children, or because of financial problems, it is not yet possible for a divorce to happen, so those third-persons will still wait. Such silly thoughts!

Returning to the story above, after being “rejected” by her lover, the woman felt extremely humiliated, painful, and embarrassed, even if she used to be a person with a decent, happy family before but now ended up becoming a third person.

Especially since that love affair was discovered by the other wife, the woman who was once a person with a big ego, career and social status, who was once respected by so many people, broke everything all by herself when choosing to interfere in the happiness of others.

Although after that fall, the woman still tried to pretend that she was okay with life without marriage, but the consequences of that incident would be so huge for the woman to bear it all on her own.

From the moment she chose to give up her family to follow that blind love, she lost her right to be a MOTHER!

Her children have grown up in a lack of family caring and love as they did not receive the embrace, caress and love of a true mother. And until one day, they also stopped wondering why their friends, who also have divorced parents, could live with their mother, instead of with the father like them.

Any child born into the world all has the right to be cared for and loved by a mother.  What they need are warm hands, a kind heart and loving smiles from their mother, not any luxurious and modern material things!

The woman in the second story has truly lost her children’s respect, but sadly she did not even realise it. For a long time, her children no longer wanted to be close or even related to their mother anymore.

My dear friend,

In the first story, perhaps you have also realised upon many valuable messes for yourself too, right?

The life of an adult like us is really full of temptations, especially when you are in the “early” age of adulthood. But when faced with the graceful beauties of temptation, if you slow down for a moment, and if you calmly and strongly make a wise choice that is right for your life, you will then have a happier and more complete life.

On the other hand, in the second story, by choosing to become a third person, you will only bring back humiliation, even loss of intimacy and love to your life, because “Paper can’t cover fire”, and one’s bare hands do not have the capability of covering or inhibiting the wrong things from occurring. 

This is really a valuable lesson for those who are standing on the threshold of becoming a third person. You should boldly step out of the relationship when you are out of love, and stay strong to prepare for another clear relationship after you have finished the journey with the ex.

Because each of us has a different journey to find our own happiness, we absolutely have the right to choose our own path when standing at every turn of life.

Try to determine what the  most important things to you are. Where are the peaceful and happy places that you want to go to?  Just ask a lot of questions about the person you are about to enter a serious relationship with so that you can make an informed choice and reduce risky decisions for your happiness, okay?

To all the beautiful girls of Truly Inspired: You are never the second choice!

Much love,

Truly Inspired