FOUR TYPES OF PARENTS AND THEIR IMPACTS ON THEIR CHILD’S FUTURE

Before we start today’s article, I would like to share with you three stories that I believe every single parent can relate to on a day-to-day basis, or at least can understand and appreciate the messages within each story:

First story:

My colleague has a very close friend who he invited over to his house for dinner for the first time. He also brought his six-year-old son with him, and I was really surprised when I noticed how quiet and reserved he was when it came to communicating with the adults. Besides, I also saw that he regularly talked to himself and barely paid any attention to anything that was going on in the family.

Even when I came to give him a set of toys as a gift for the first time meeting and also his birthday, he was very surprised. He opened the present with eyes full of sparkles and seemed to be asking me something. But in the end he stopped. I was quite confused at first, but then as I talked more deeply and observed more closely the actions of family members with each other, I somehow understood the problem. I will tell you more about it in a moment!

Second story:

There was a small family with a daughter who was also in middle school. Ever since she was a child, the girl had been adored for her prettiness and her parents unconditionally loved and pampered her because they had been waiting for ten years since they got married for their little princess. But when she started middle school, the parents felt as if parenting their little princess had become a hassle.  The girl would occasionally tell her parents that she did not want to go to school anymore because there was no one to play with at school, or because the teachers did not provide her with the things she needed, etc. 

Unsurprisingly, things morphed into a real struggle between parents and their daughter even when it came to the smallest problems. The parents felt as if they had fallen into a deadlock when they noticed that the girl became more and more stubborn and indolent, only doing things that she wanted to and not listening to any of her parents’ words. Perhaps the problem lies within the fact that she was entering her natural “rebellious” phase of puberty, but more importantly, I somehow realise the problems within the way her parents have raised her since birth.

Third story:

This story happened in my own family, with a daughter who just graduated from elementary school not too long ago.  She is actually my husband’s child from his previous marriage, but we have been living in the same house for many years.  My relationship with him is pretty good, if not perfect. On my daughter’s graduation day, I stood quietly beside her, watching her hang out and laugh with her friends, and my heart was filled with happiness that I just wanted to burst out crying!

I do not claim to be a good mom, but I take a bit of pride in being my daughter’s trusted friend so that she can always share everything with me – even when her opinion goes against the people around her.

What I want to make clear is that my little girl is gradually overcoming her psychological distress of living with another mother – which is me. She already knows how to share her views and opinions in a gentle way without being too sentimental and ready to shed tears that she cannot say anything more. Every time when there is a disagreement or a problem with her classmates, she will find me to seek guidance and work with me to figure out the best way to solve the problem or to “counterattack” but in the spirit of “forgiveness, peace and harmony” so that she can still keep the friendships she has.

When I started to research and work more with materials about parenting and children education, I accidentally discovered that the three parenting styles of the three families in the stories above are actually present in the daily life of so many families, no matter if you live in the Western culture or the Eastern culture.

Everything became clearer when I read about the research of Diana Baumrind – an American psychologist who pointed out four types of parenting and its long-term impacts on children’s lives, written in the article of author Kendra Cherry on Verywellmind.com. If you take time to read about these four types of education, you will probably find all three stories above and your family’s story in them:

The first type: Negligible parents

I will explain more about the story of the 6-year-old boy I mentioned before. There is something I have yet told you, that during the family meal that day, every time the boy had a question, he only received answers like “Stay still and let me finish talking”, “Do it yourself, I don’t know” or  “Mom don’t have time, please look for the answer yourself.” However, the boy’s requests were not unreasonable at all and his parents only needed a few dozen seconds to help him find the answer, yet neither of them did it.

Do you think you are like that? Think of the times you have used the excuses of busy work, fear of missing personal things to ignore or forget the questions your child asked you?

Or, are there times when the question appears so simple and childish to you that you do not even bother wasting time to answer them, even though that is something the child is genuinely questioning?

With this type of parents, they will often not participate much in building a life-long foundation for their child’s life, let alone sharing useful instructions on doing things or teaching their children how to plan their personal activities. In several cases, parents may also deny or neglect other important needs of their children besides food and sleep.

Children whose parents are apathetic, disinterested would grow up with a high tendency to be self-deprecating, lacking in opinions, or even cunning. They may also not know how to dream big, or may become delusional about their visions.  They always feel lonely and hence will always have to crave attention from others, but in most cases the results often go against their inner expectations.

The second type: Parents who are over-indulgent and over-pampering their child

This is also the reason why the daughter in the second story became so stubborn and problematic that her parents had to suffer from more headaches and stress.  She was the child that her parents had been expecting for a decade, hence her birth has made her the “centre” of the universe. Whatever she wanted, her parents would do it for her. Whatever she needed, her parents would meet all of her expectations. At the age when she had to mature to become part of the community, it became difficult for her to find someone to play with. Because when dealing with relationships besides her parents, she still could not forget her “princess” persona – a princess who would get whatever she wanted. However, none of her friends or teachers were obliged to always have to meet her needs, and as a result, she failed to adapt to her new world.

With such parents who unconditionally pamper their child, the child will grow up with a tendency to not be able to stay independent and not know how to control their emotions and the limits they need to comply with. In worse cases, the child would not be capable of doing anything well at school.

Third type: “Tiger” parents who are over-controlling their child’s life

This is the type of parents who always want to control their child from a very young age with a strict and imposing attitude, paying zero attention to the kid’s own feelings or opinions. Most “tiger” parents will want their children to obey their commands to the absolute, and to believe that parents are always right and that they must follow every command without having to know why. The moral is that If you cannot do it right, you will be severely punished or criticised by verbal and/or physical abuse.

This parenting method will have two different consequences:

First, you will have a child who is always obedient, does their duty to the fullest but at the same time has no opinion, does not feel respected and happy in their own family.

Or, you will have a “quietly rebellious” child, and especially when puberty hits, they will become even more rebellious, conflicted and stubborn when they start to feel that they have fully grown up.

However, what the children in these two situations have in common is that their decision-making skills are lacking poorly, and they often do not have a clear vision of where to go and what to do in their later life.

Fourth type: Loving but still disciplined parents

This is what I want to discuss about the third story I mentioned at the beginning. I love my daughter very much and I often listen to every story she has. However, I try to not indulge or accommodate all of her requests. With things that need principles and commitments, I still try to discuss the issues with her in a very frank and unbiased manner.

I think in this way, our child can still be very disciplined but can also feel free to express their opinion and develop themselves. Moreover, we can always have our very cute little “friends” who are happy to share many things in their life to us on a day-to-day basis.

However, it is sad that not many parents can do this, and many people think that this is a difficult task to do.  But I do not think so.

In my opinion, every relationship needs a good amount of investment, so does the relationship with your children.  And, to be able to raise my children in the best ways, I follow my principle that everything in the family that is related to the child will be done based on agreements that come from both the parents and the child.

You should often ask yourself questions that help you to find out what your child really wants. If your child does not want to do something, don’t force them to.  Instead, you should explain your opinion on why you think your child needs to do something. When they fully understand your intentions, you will gain their consent and they will feel happy to do what you think is good with a very relaxed attitude.

In conclusion, understanding how we are educating our child every day helps you to find out the best ways to approach your child in the most suitable way, no matter how old the child is.  Because your parenting method greatly affects your child’s behaviour not just right now but also later on, therefore try to refrain from being too hasty, ignorant or domineering. Give yourself and your child the best things that you both deserve by adjusting the ways you raise your child, starting from today!

Much love,

Truly Inspired