TO BRIBE OR TO REPENT?

This is a question I asked a girl in the Truly Inspired team whom I have coached about her problems.

She used to have a boyfriend who she had been dating for four years. He was four years older than her, and even better, was a very caring and warmhearted person. He was the one who does almost all the housework for her, as well as being there for her whenever she was at the lowest points in her life. Even when it came to booking hotels, registering travel tickets, cooking meals, or cleaning the house, he was always the one who finished the work. She admitted to me that she had been living like an 18-year-old for the past few years, and even told me how her parents also considered her boyfriend as their family member and their son-in-law.

However, she was often so moody and ended up crying a lot because of a series of unexpected sad events happening in their relationship. After that, she hurtfully decided to end the four-year relationship with her boyfriend. She was in so much pain, crying, feeling lonely and lost as if the man took a part of her identity with him after the breakup. She found it very challenging to re-balance her emotions, as well as to find a glimpse of hope to pull her life out of the dark, obscure cave she was trapped in.

Although she tried moving to a new place after the breakup, I still understand that deep down inside, she is still traumatised by the incident even though I did not hear any love stories from her anymore. Furthermore, in a sudden conversation, she continued to share that her ex-boyfriend has still been caring and loving towards her, still came to her house with groceries that could fill up the entirety of her refrigerator, still even cooked meals and invited her to join him for some food, yet for all the time, she denied it. Honestly, I understand and can feel the progress in her “post-breakup process” very clearly, yet at that specific moment, I just wanted to give her the warmest hug ever since I felt as if my heart was squeezed by acknowledging how hard she had been trying and how lonely she had been feeling. Sadly, I could not do that as I did not want her to become a crybaby, so instead of letting her comfortably slip into her negative emotions, I asked her the question that I stated at the beginning of this article.

I paused for a few seconds after hearing her sharing and asked her the first question that caught your attention in the introduction. I think that not only her, but also many other girls out there (and even boys too) can be completely confused between the real definition of “repentance” and “bribing for forgiveness” from their partners.

So what is the difference between repentance and bribery in love?

Repentance and Bribery are often acts of clear awareness of your behaviours. However, repentance is an expression of someone who has acknowledged their mistakes, at the same time, felt regret for what they did, and sincerely hopes for the other person’s forgiveness. Repentance is expressed in words and actions, thereby making the other person deeply understand the feelings and thoughts that come deep down from the bottom of the heart, the feelings of the repenter.

For example, when two people are in a romantic relationship, but one of them has a crush on another person and later gets discovered by their partner. By then, the first behaviour of a true repenter should be “realising their mistake”, then “admitting it”, and lastly apologising to their partner respectfully. The repentant also needs to listen to their partner’s thoughts, concerning the need of knowing how much they have hurt them. Additionally, of course, after those conversations, the repenter needs to express the true meaning of repentance: avoid repeating the old mistakes and if they still love their partner, they should make up for their loved ones with all their due respect. Perhaps after everything, all the repentance, or efforts to win the partners’ trust back no longer make sense to them anymore. By that time, the last and only thing they need to do is to gradually take a step back! They should temporarily give their partners space, leave them alone, and make their partners feel that they will always still be there for their loved ones with all sincerity.

What about the expression of bribery?

Bribery could be understood as an act that is similar to carelessly filling your “mistake hole” up. Let’s continue with the example above, a briber, who is only seeking forgiveness, will immediately try to do whatever will make their partner happy. It could be buying them a flower, a gift, or even putting on an act like cooking dinner and then inviting their partner to join in. Conversely, they could also base on the partners’ habits and personalities to do them favours, which they know would mean a lot to their loved ones, which will eventually make their partners quickly forget about the mistake they have made and fall in love all over again. Perhaps because of new gifts, new experiences, new surprises, or new bliss, the partner forgot about being angry and thought maybe the “briber” only understands and loves them, just only them.

However, my friend, have you received any genuine and sincere apologies during the reconciliation process yet? If so, think to yourself, are you truly forgiving them, or are you just temporarily forgetting the problem because of the infatuated, sweet words that the “briber” is showering you with?

I have watched a lot of Korean romantic dramas, even Hollywood movies, it is not uncommon to see there are a lot of scenarios where the female protagonist was confused between repentance and bribery when it comes to asking for forgiveness.

A man who is found to be having an affair quickly soothes the girl with an engagement ring, implying that “I realised you are the only one I love and want to seriously get married. Any other relationships are just my tests to see how much you truly mean to me.” Those flaring words seem to be the dream of many girls out there. The female protagonist quickly nods and accepts the engagement ring without any hesitations just for the movie to end with a tragic and pathetic girl who is now having a broken heart just because of stubbornly, blindly trusting in her love that was intended for a “briber” in the first place.

To be honest, I know there are some men and women who are not really “bribers”, but the problem is that they do not realise that they are. Another group of people, maybe because of their high ego, find it very difficult or awkward to apologise to someone. They are more action-oriented than verbal, and they truly want to make up for their mistakes. However, this personality might easily turn you into a “briber” if, after that action, you continue to make the same mistakes, or if what you are doing is not convincing enough for your partner.

For those with high egos, I would recommend writing a letter and expressing all your intentions through words instead of saying it out loud. Nevertheless, the most important factor is that you truly acknowledge your mistake and want to make amends for you both to step through the universe’s life lessons and are always becoming more joyful and peaceful together. If not, feel free to choose the agreed most suitable path for both you and your partner!

Each of us has our perspective and lifestyle, which are influenced by lots of factors, especially those surrounding you, those you come into contact with every day such as family – or friends. However, no matter who you are, no matter what job you are doing, I believe that when we love someone, we should always respect and treasure them.

If you get to marry your partner – they will be the representation of you, will be the parent of your children, and will be the person who directly affects the quality of your married life as well as your children’s future. Therefore, I hope that every boy and girl will stay conscious and always make the right decisions about love and marriage in their lives.

Just live a brave life! Be brave in love so that in the end you do not have to become a “briber” or a “repenter” too many times that later your dignity is lost!

Much love,

Truly Inspired