YOUR CHILD LOVES YOU, BUT THEY DON’T LOVE THE WAY YOU LOVE!

Recently, I came across two Chinese short films on Facebook with quite emotional content. Both videos started with a scene where the female protagonist comes home to inform her parents about her wish of getting a divorce. The difference here is, in the first video, the mother reacts extremely stridently, explaining how much she had sacrificed just to raise the woman, to save the best for her, and eventually to find a wealthy husband for her. The mother blames her daughter for being so ungrateful when she had received such a joyous life but chose to be unsatisfied with it. Thus, in my mother’s perspective, the woman’s action of asking for a divorce is no different from blowing up in the face of her own family. This series of reactions had deeply broken the girl’s heart.

Looking at the second video, although the mother’s reaction is somewhat milder, her words imply similar ideas to the first mother.

On the one hand, while listening to the mother’s scolding, the first woman’s reaction gradually became dumbfounded. All she did was only gently stood up and stripped off her clothes. That is when she shed tears in silence. The bruises, the bleeding wounds, the long-formed scars, they all slowly revealed themself on her entire body, just except for her face. That was such a painful piece of news to receive!

Her parents were shocked, especially the mother who was completely speechless. Seeing her daughter’s body, she pursed her lips, trembling as if she wanted to say something, but in the end, no words were spoken. She was left dumbstruck. It was she who planned out this marriage in the beginning. She would be living the rest of her life in regrets as the wonderful, talented, wealthy, and top-notched husband role model in her eyes, in reality, is a terrible violent man, whose victim here is none other than her daughter.

On the other hand, the woman in the second video seems to have more fortune. Even though she does not suffer from domestic violence, she still wants a divorce which stems from her husband’s ineligible affair. Her parents resolutely advised her to give up the idea of divorce for the sake of her young son and to keep up the family’s appearance. The main character returned to her own house, and kept receiving her mother’s calls, day by day, month by month, advising the woman to forgive her husband, only focus on raising the children, and especially not to mention anything about the divorce. The woman was under so much pressure that she started to throw attitudes at even her parents’ phone calls, and even in her dreams, she also felt disgusted by them. Eventually, one day, the parents went to their daughter’s house and told her she is now ready to divorce her husband. It turns out that the parents had quietly hired someone to secretly investigate her husband, right after the day she came to her stating her wish. The father has privately collected enough evidence of the affair and the bad intentions of his son-in-law. The woman’s husband was trying to transfer all of their shared property to the lover and himself. Finally, after collecting an adequate amount of evidence, the parents went to their daughter’s house and finally said, “Let’s return to our home”.

Due to the limitation of duration, both short films have open endings. Nevertheless, they still left me with a lot of emotions and profound life lessons.

I know the parents in both videos both love and treasure their daughters. The first family can be considered an upper-class family. That could be the reason why parents always want to save the best for their children. The mother, ever since the early age of her kid, has made her child study how to develop many talents and has chosen the finest classes and schools with an expectation that her kid would always be ranked first in class. This mother, just like most parents, wanted her child to study the major that she believed will benefit the kid’s future. Finally, the last best thing the mom could do for her little daughter is to choose for her a suitable man who can take the responsibility of giving her a wealthy, joyous, and prosperous life. Unfortunately, while expressing her love in such a demanding way, the mother did not think about her daughter’s wishes and feelings. As long as she approves, her daughter must follow every path she has set out! Therefore, the child’s entire life ever since she was born until the age of 30, there is not a single day she can live by her desires! It is not until she was physically abused by her husband to the point she couldn’t bear to ask for help, that she can escape such a violent life and return home. 

The first woman is the portrayal of many Asian children both in the past and present. Studying, trying hard, and putting effort into different things just for the sake of their parents, and for their future yet, in reality, they don’t understand what they want. Parents often force their children to follow various standards in the name of “love” and “care”. Even though I know parents which belong to the younger 80s and 90s generations’ methods of teaching their children have changed a lot, that is just because they used to be the ones who were pressured by their parents’ love. Therefore, as a result, the new generation of children is also less likely to suffer compulsion or “suppression” from their parents’ orders.

Although I did not have a chance to watch the first clip’s ending, I think the bruises on the daughter’s body must have cut deeply into the mother’s own heart as this is the result of the pre-arranged marriage which she forced her daughter to obey… The mother’s love for the girl and the fear of her daughter not being able to live an affluent life are so big that, with all the power she has, she wanted to guide her daughter in following her decision about the daughter’s life. However, the way of forcing and thinking that “Everything the parents do is for the sake of the child. There is nothing wrong about that” has caused the girl’s life to be immersed in real suffering, frustration, and misery.

In the second clip, the parents’ actions at the end of the movie might have given the audience temporary satisfaction as they understood that the parents were only trying to prevent the girl from proposing a divorce immediately to protect herself, to have more time to collect evidence that will benefit their daughter. Therefore, she won’t have to suffer any more losses when getting a long-wanted divorce.

My dear friend,

Even though the second video seems to be a bit brighter, the thing that caught my attention was the comments from thousands of viewers about that video. Among those countless comments, there were hundreds of people all stating the same thing over and over again, that “I wish I had parents like this” or “As if only on that fateful day, my parents did not force me to stay. Maybe my children would have had better lives.”

I understand the parent’s love for their child is always boundless and unlimited. Though sometimes we have inadvertently transformed that “love” into “great pressure” for our children, without even knowing it. Let’s consider turning those pressures into some “cute rules” in the family, like the way schools make rules for students to improve themselves every day!

I deeply understand that parents would never hate their child. In fact, in contrast, they are the ones who love their child the most in this entire world, yet due to the impotent in their daily lives, or from the differences in family culture, the educating methods in each family have been heavily influenced by various dogmas, impositions, and rigid rules.

Your child loves you, but not in the way you love them!

This is what I have concluded after a long time of observing and listening to the sharing of many coachees from different roles’ perspectives: parents and children.

Not every family is joyous and able to bring comfort into the other’s lives, and the most important thing is not every parent can get along with and fully understand their children. It is also a myth that wealthy families give their children better education compared to the ones with less financial conditions. The main factor in effective parenting is the ability to interact and build connections between parents and children.

You hope your children will always receive the best, but you also ought to remember that your children’s privacy needs to be respected too.

If you have already understood that your choices will be better and more beneficial for your children because you have more life experience than them, then don’t forget that sometimes your emotional perception is not really in line with the development of the current generation’s mindset which your children are living and dealing with everyday.

You believe that for your child to obey you, you have to look powerful and distant, yet sometimes you forget that it is the emotions balancing for your child or intimacy is what they need every day.

The best way to love your children is to listen to them and give them advice and guidance. Leave the rest for them to explore and experience this world! Excessive protection, excessive care, or your past life lessons which you think your child needs, sometimes surprisingly leads nowhere close to bonding with them.

Do you remember that innocent and lovely child, whose eyes were glaring at you, a glance that was filled with affection? On that day, you were the whole world, the only world that they have. The big question is “Why the older they are, the more distant and difficult for parents to approach them?”. In addition to the psychological effects during adolescence, the way you treated your children, and the way you loved them is also a contributor to all the changes they have experienced until now!

If the relationship with your child is becoming more and more distant, try to calm down and quietly consider: “What have I done and said to my children to make them not want to share their lives with me anymore?”

As a choice, you can invite your children to a “parents – children” coffee date or a camping trip and start open-minded conversations like their friends.

Be your child’s friend before trying to be their parent all over again. I believe that after many conversations and hangouts together, you will see that at the end of the day, it’s just the way you express the love that was stressing them out, your children love you too, more than you can ever imagine.

Much love,

Truly Inspired