DAD’S SECRETS

Have you ever felt like you just hate your dad so much?

Have you ever thought that the only man who is the “big boss” of the family, who is always frightening to you, yet who is the one who can solve all problems in your life, is also the loneliest person?

I think it might be the case, right?

A few days ago, a colleague in my team “assigned” me the “duty” of creating more contents for our Truly Inspired page that are about “I have to tell a story about one of my dad’s secrets.” Additionally, it has to be filled with emotions, both happiness and warmth.

When I heard about the topic, it seemed that all the footage of my dad in the past just all swiftly and quickly rushed back. Every smile, every glance, the broad and strong back, the warm and loving arms of him are still portrayed so clearly in my mind. I could even feel the personal smell of my father and those special inside jokes between us. Everything felt like he was just right here next to me. And there, I saw myself – the little girl who was brought everywhere by her father on many of their journeys together, even though my father has left me for twenty-three years.

In many families, I believe that if the children were to tell a story about their childhood memories, the mother will always pop up first in their minds. However, for me, the pieces of memories tinged with that tarnished, old time are still mostly about my father.

My father is like my “fairy man”. Dad would always be there to protect me from times when I was beaten by my mother. Back in the old days, I was very naughty and energetic. Even though I was a girl, it seemed that inside that small mind were thoughts of a “mini scientist” who loved to explore and was always curious about everything around me. I wanted to try everything that I could see or hear. The most typical example was that every time my mother cooked something in the kitchen, I would always peek at it, and even though she often forced me to go back upstairs, I still tried my best to imitate her cooking skills. However, you already know, through imitations, nothing can be perfect. No matter if it was frying, cutting, or grilling, with my limited experiences and skills, everything would result in disasters, and every time I failed to cook something, my mother would just start to spank me. Just like that, the cycle of “destroying everything – being beaten by my mother” repeated as a necessary habit for us, and it got to the point that she started to wonder why the more I was beaten, the more stubborn I became, and the more my naughtiness increased.

Little did my mom know, my father and I had made up an inside “rule” between us, which was “Whenever mom is about to hit you, immediately jump behind my back, okay? Just make sure to jump in a way that your mother cannot hit you, and then get inside my arms. Only that way can I protect you, do you understand?”

It is funny how no matter how many times my mom hit me, none of them actually hurt me, as she would always hit Dad instead. That was the secret “contract” between my father and me. Everything was all about me having him to protect and hug me, and about him “enduring” my mom’s beating for me.

Speaking of which, my mother is not a bad person by any means, but back in those days, she had to single-handedly work really hard to provide enough for the family’s spending, while at the same time having to take care of us kids. Therefore, my mother, similar to many other housewives, can get extremely upset easily whenever I am being naughty. At that time, my siblings were all grown up and went to schools that were far away from home, and that was why I would always be the only one in her “sight” all the time. 

However, I still found it alright, since everywhere my father went, from the mountains to the sea, he would always take me along so that I could “avoid” being beaten by my mother.

Back in the old days, I remember that my father used to really love Bonsai trees – a kind of ornamental plant that is preferred by many tree connoisseurs. He would often go up the mountains to seek the original forest Bonsai trees, bringing them home to shape and take care of them. That was one of my father’s joys during that time besides finding good plants for medicinal purposes and helping others to cure diseases. Most importantly, every time he went that far away, my dad would always take me with him.

In my memory, my father always looked tall and muscular, and would often hold me in his arms wherever he went. I always slept soundly on all rides with him despite there being times when the drive was intense because he had to hold onto me all the time. Sometimes on rainy days, or during the night, I was so sleepy that my eyes would shut down anytime I was not aware, but my father still tried to sing to me while driving. His arms were cold but he still hugged me tightly and drove all the way home while I was still like that, always feeling his safe and warm embrace and then falling into a very deep and peaceful sleep.

Once, on a rainy and windy day, my father drove me on a somewhat decent motorbike, his bat-winged raincoat was punctured with a large hole in the front, causing the rainwater to flood into him. I asked my father, “Dad, are you cold,” to which he replied, “No sweetie, I am not cold.” Nevertheless, he answered me with a trembling voice while his teeth kept chattering together. I wrapped my arms around my father only to find out that his whole body was so cold until the point it could be numb. At that time, I did not know what to do but sang to my father the whole way back home just like how he used to sing for me on many drives before.

Soon after, when I grew up, I understood that those were the times when he “lied”, and that was only one of his secrets. He lied that he was never tired, never cold, and would never act miserable in front of me. Dad has always silently shouldered everything, as long as his daughter is happy and safe, and it was all that he could care about. 

Even when facing the ongoing pain of the stubborn illness, he always told me, “It does not feel that painful, sweetheart! I am feeling fine, do not worry, okay? The doctor’s medicine and injections are just only for making my illness go away.”

Nevertheless, no matter how young I was, I could still recognise the changes in my father’s body: he got thinner and thinner time after time, and the bruises from the needle started to show up more in many areas of his body. However, he would always keep reassuring me that everything was fine.

That was how he has always been, always trying to keep his painful emotions to himself only.

Until that one day that I will never forget in my entire life – the day when I finally heard the truest words coming out of my father’s last hard breaths. The day Dad did not have enough energy to “lie” anymore. The day that our game called “Secret” officially ended.

These are the last two sentences that I would always keep in my memories. The scenes always appear crystal clear, on that day, in the hospital’s emergency room, when I suddenly heard from him “I did not have enough time to buy you a birthday present, my darling…”

This was when he knew he could no longer play any “secret” games to make his daughter happy. He also knew that from that moment until forever, he would no longer have the chance to continue “lying” to me – a kid who has always considered her father as a fulcrum, a man she loves the most, and as the only “fairy man” of her life. At that time, I did not know what to do anymore but to sit in front of the emergency room, crouching, hugging my knees, and waiting for him desperately.

As my father seemed to know the worries of his daughter, in my mind, he had come to me. With the blurriness and from a far distance, I heard my father quietly whisper to me, “Na, my sweetie. I am leaving now!”

It was as if I was immediately woken up because the whispers seemed to be very near me despite being so far away. I rushed to the emergency room’s doors, banged on them and shouted, “Let me in! I want to be there with my dad!” At that time, I heard my mother’s voice, “Her father has passed away, doctor, please allow her to come in.”

The moment I stepped into that cold room, I could feel that my father was truly gone. He could never lie to me anymore.

Ever since the day my father passed away, there had always been this strange heavy thing that kept bothering me from deep inside my heart. It was not until more than ten years after my father’s death, when I started my journey on the path of cultivation, that I could truly let go of that heaviness by dedicating merit to my father.

To me, my father never died. He is always there beside me to protect and shield me from all dangers in life, it is just that he is now doing it in a different way. He is always here, forever in my heart and memories!

Perhaps, I am one of the luckiest children in the world because I was able to be beside my father most of the time, was able to accompany him as a “traveller”, was always loved by him, and had the chance to hear his “lies” many times. Every one of them would always bring me unlimited joy. I could always be a princess cuddling and sulking with my father at any time I wanted to. However, I know that not everyone will have the same relationship as me. You may be pampered and loved by your mother, while your father would rather be rude, gruff, or quiet, and would often beat you up every time you mess up. There are even fathers who leave a lot of dark memories in their children’s hearts when they grow up.

However, my dear friend, have you ever wondered why your dad may become like this? Or have you truly known every unspoken word and secret that your father is keeping away from you all this time?

Have you ever seen your father giving your mother a bottle of oil to help ease the bruises after beating you up?

Have you ever seen your quiet father gently kiss your forehead and your feet when you are fast asleep?

Have you ever seen the image of a man sitting in a corner of the house waiting for you while you are out late at night?

Have you ever seen your father shed tears when seeing you going somewhere far away?

The silent feelings of a father have never been something that every child can see or feel, but that does not mean they do not exist.

Father and his secrets are always there. It is just because of the circumstances, personality, and the impact of a life that those secrets sometimes do not have the opportunity to be revealed to you.

Maybe you have not felt the happiness of your father for you, but I truly believe that somewhere hidden in the bottom of your father’s heart, he is someone who deeply and wholeheartedly loves you. Always remember that!

Much love,
Truly Inspired