What Are Your Takeaways From Your Past Relationships?

How will a family with a stable economic income, three sons and one daughter live together?

I just heard a similar story about the family of one of my acquaintances back in Vietnam, whose family had a full-grown daughter who lived and worked in a big city. The two middle boys were in high school, and the youngest one was only in elementary school.

The two middle children were in their adolescence, the time when they were having strong mental and physical developments, as well as wanting to explore and learn more about life. Adolescence is just like the gap between childhood and adulthood, the time in one’s life where they want to prioritise entertainment more but are still being forced to go to school. Maybe that could explain why there had not been a day when the neighbours around did not hear the loud scolding of the father and mother to the boys.

The second boy was very fond of football and would always actively participate in sports team activities. However, this boy did not know how to apply his passion in moderation. Rather than just participating in meaningful school sports activities, he also continuously skipped school just to watch or to take part in football matches in the neighbourhood, and afterwards had to bear many severe punishments from his father every single time.

In contrast, even though the third boy has yet to discover any specific passion, he would also seek leisure and did not want to study anything seriously at all. On the surface, that is how it used to be, but then when it came to the national high school transition exam, while the parents were no longer expecting their child to pass in any school, he was the one who hoped to pass in a midrange high school. As a result, even though he was not accepted by the school he wanted, he was still able to enrol in a decent high school, which was also located very close to his house, making his life seem much easier. However, his seeking for leisure had not changed since then. The fact that he was still prioritising sleeping and hanging out with friends rather than focusing on studying truly bothered the parents.

In that family, the only ones who were not regularly being scolded are the eldest daughter and youngest son, because the girl had gone to work and lived far away, and the youngest was only in his first grade, still working hard and trying to be smart just like two of his brother when they were also at his age. It was only the two middle sons who were being beaten by the father and scolded by the mother day after day for so many different reasons. Being beaten and scolded like that caused many wounds and damage to their young hearts, and at some point the two boys started to display their “opposing” and rebellious attitude towards their father because of his unfounded beating and scolding.

However, little did the two sons know how after each time beating them up, their father could barely sleep at night. After the first time he ever hit the two boys with a whip, he eventually ended up hiding in the back of the house and cried like a child. This is the pure expression of the father’s impotence, concern, and love for his son conflicting in his heart. Thus, he used to think: “If only I were richer, wouldn’t I be able to raise my children better?”

As for the two sons, although they did not like the way their father treated them and were so fed up with all the beatings they received, the second son was thoughtful enough to apply for a job at a cafe to create a small income, supporting the family right when he was only a tenth grader. By the time he was in eleventh and twelfth grades, he switched to work as a beer bar waiter because he knew the place would pay him a higher salary. However, in exchange for that benefit, the boy had to sacrifice more of his time and health as there are times when he could only leave at 1 am. The third son also followed in his brother’s footsteps, asking to work at a cafe during Tet (Lunar New Year, a time where people normally take days off work), alongside offering to help other people with painting and repairing the altars and graves of their ancestors on New Year’s Day just to earn more money for his mother. With the money he earned, he gave more than fifty percent to his mother and divided the rest for his savings or for hanging out with friends.

The two sons always had a great love for their mother. The boys worked hard, one would save money by frugally eating every day, and one would save his salary so they could properly buy cakes and fruits to be able to nicely celebrate the birthday of the father or mother. As for the youngest son, working and earning money like his two brothers at such a young age was impossible. He did the best that he could at that time, saving even the smallest changes in the piggy bank, and always tried to study hard so that his parents would not have to worry about him.

I was truly moved by the appreciation that the children in this family have for their parents, even though they were living physically unfulfilled. However, there has always existed a gap between the parents and children that is so difficult to clearly describe.

I would name that gap as “Parents – children Connection Disorder.” 

I know using violent methods such as spanking or beating children up is not advisable. However, in this article, I hope you can consider them from a different perspective!

As you can see, it is clear that the father and mother’s expressions of worry through scoldings and beating did not stem from hatred towards their children. It is just that, instead of choosing to gently explain and share their thoughts with the children convincingly, they used “verbal and physical violence”. As a result, the children became more and more distant, gradually wanting to be independent just only to escape their family, escape those times of being beaten, scolded and hurt by the ones they love.

Children do not like violence, but at the same time are not as “well-behaved” as how their parents want them to be. Parents want their children to become kind and respectful people, yet they use unadvised teaching methods that make the whole family and the two generations gradually lose the connection with each other.

In the situation above, the parents had put out too many expectations and demands on their children as adults, yet they forgot that the children’s real ages are only capable of satisfying certain demands.

The father’s scolding or the mother’s complaints only implies a single message: “We are very worried about you, my children. If, at this moment, you do not listen to us, do not take care of yourself, and are not willing to properly study and live well, then who will take care of you guys in the future when you no longer have us?”

However, in contrast, the message that the children may receive can be a completely different thing. They may think that their parents would be wondering things like “Why did I give birth to such a rebellious child? Why is my child such a loser and so spoiled? Why can’t my child learn from other people’s children, but instead hang out with friends all day?” Many messages are understood in much more negative ways by children from the scolding of their parents, without understanding that behind every complaint is the parents’ worry and concern for their children.

The father in the story above used to be helpless with himself, used to blame himself for not trying his best to study when he was younger, or used to always think if he were as rich as other people, perhaps he would have been able to give his sons better starts. It was also because of those reasons that he was afraid his children would suffer like him in the future. However, the father had truly chosen the wrong method of expressing his concerns and tangled thoughts to his children.

Verbal and physical violence in the family make the connections between each member gradually become looser and looser day by day. Those messages which contain love and care will be buried by them, creating the aforementioned Parents-children Connection Disorder. 

This connection disorder does not only occur in the surrounding relatives or close ones, but can also occur between romantic partners, or in each person’s social relationships.

This world has always been connected by love, yet because of different circumstances, societal impacts, the surrounding environment, and many other different reasons, we humans somehow forget what empathy is, and tend to be not calm and not wise enough to define what our real problems are.

I understand that with our current life full of rushings, chaos, and major concerns about the economy, it seems like we could fall into the whirlpool of troubles and the endless, boring life cycles anytime. And from there, we will gradually lose our “sincere souls”, sympathy, and understanding for ourselves and the people we love. However, my dear friend, perhaps that is how our lives are supposed to be!

Every person and every situation is always meant to send us different meaningful messages, it is just that we have lived too quickly to be able to “spot” those messages. That is why it is easy for us to misunderstand others, lose connections or even fall into a state of loneliness with no one around.

Try this. Every time you feel confused or stuck, just pause and take a deep breath! The moment you stay with yourself and focus your energy on your breathing, you will also have a spare few seconds to alleviate your anger and reduce the consequences (which could be serious or not) of the actions that you are about to commit.

This is not a miraculous method at all. It is just a normal thing, yet whenever we are too stressed or too focused, we all have those “breathless” moments where you cannot even notice you are running out of breath. Just remember that when you are angry at your kids or any other person, the love in you is also “temporarily paused” at that moment and the relationship will also be disconnected!

Much love,
Truly Inspired