WHY IS IT HARD FOR YOUR CHILD TO BE HONEST WITH YOU?

“Why did you smoke? Tell me! Now!”
“Do you know that smoking is not good for you? How old are you, since when are you allowed to smoke?”
“Why did you go out with your friends at such a late time?”
“Why is your homework not finished? Why did you lie about showing up at school today?

I do not know if during your childhood you have ever had to come across these scolding or complaints from your parents or not. The questions above might not depict those typical stressful conversations with your parents but they may be those of your neighbours, relatives, friends, or anyone you know.

As for me, I have just heard these questions again while talking to a colleague of mine. However, in her story, it was not just those questions, but every sentence being spoken out by her dad was like stabbing a knife in the heart of her younger brother, who was in high school at that time.

She told me that this little brother of hers is a very sentimental and adorable person, who always has great love and respect for his parents. However, the person who was beaten, scolded, even doubted, and mentally hurt the most in the family was also him.

Her younger brother had repeatedly skipped school and smoked while following and trying to imitate whatever his bad-influence friends at school did. Of course, after each time, he would be beaten up and badly scolded. It seemed like even his parents would never believe that he could do anything well.

His older sister is the only one who always trusted him. That is why every story in his life, no matter how serious it could be, he would only want to tell his sister right away. There have been many times when he lied, but that was only in the past, and some mistakes were never made again by him. However, no matter what, the parents have never trusted and would refuse to trust their son. It only took them a couple of times to go out and hear something bad about him, and they would immediately go home and shower him with criticism, even if his presence at that moment was just him accidentally passing by, stopping, or simply being there with his friends.

Being at the age of 16, ever since he entered high school, he had been scolded and reprimanded almost every day. Sometimes it would be finishing housework badly, sometimes it would be acting too clumsy and keeping on breaking things, and other times would be problems coming from his homework, school attendance, etc. Although his parents loved him, every word they said most of the time would always be complaints, scolding, and somewhat distrustful. That is why now, according to my colleague, he has become a very unconfident adult, who does not think that he can successfully finish whatever he has started, and everything he does will eventually fall apart. Although there are times when deep down inside of him, he expresses strong desires for something to change the situation he has to deal with every single day. There are also certain moments when he was very determined to improve himself, to stop hanging out with those dissipated friends, and was truly serious about trying hard to be accepted by his dream high school so as not to disappoint the expectations of his parents, even though he used to not pay much attention in classes.

He used to think that getting into that high school was already an achievement. At first, he always told his sister that he would change, would try as hard as he could, would start studying again, and then would apply for a better school. However, all of his efforts were gradually becoming slower, and his mind starting to become more and more negative, and he still hung out with those badly-influencing friends once in a while, and there were even times things got pushed to the limit of his homeroom teacher having to raise many meetings with his parents to discuss the situation of their son. Just like that, his life continued to be filled with his parents’ complaints and his dishonesty.

My dear friend, when reading this story, did you realise why this young man, despite his best efforts, still could not improve himself? Or why did he still tend to be untruthful to his parents?

This is not a special example, nor is it a unique situation that only occurred in my colleague’s family. But as a matter of fact, in our society, there are still hundreds of families and teenagers who experience similar situations in their lives that live within the cycle of familial affection, trust and lies.

There are two problems I have realised here: first, it would be extra difficult for that child to change or improve himself if he still stayed in that environment for the rest of his life; second, he would only be able to change if his parents also accepted to change.

A child is just like a tree. It only takes proper watering, fertilising and sunlight for the tree to grow healthily, bloom beautiful flowers and produce quality fruits. However, if you leave it in dark corners, covering it with melancholy darkness and incorrect love expressions every day, it will surely wither, and its life will fall into the swirl of instability.

In the story above, that child grew up just like any other child, yet he also occasionally received “additional” reprimands and disapproval from his parents  – the individuals who he would always trust and love the most in this world. Those criticisms gradually built up every day, and after a certain time, his mind would be packed with disappointments about his parents and himself. The self-belief and reassurance of “I can improve myself,” “I can achieve great things,” “I am smart,” and “I will study well” gradually disappeared. In replacement were the thoughts of regressing, giving up, and inability to finish his duties because even if he did succeed, he would not get recognised by anyone, let alone his parents.

Let me explain a little more so you can understand the problem better.
The younger brother in the above story started smoking when he was only 13-14 years old, was caught by his parents and got heavily beaten by his father. The mother also tried to convince him with all her efforts, using her own “sense” of “love” and “sympathy” to advise him to give up on smoking. At one point, he realised that his course of actions was not right and gradually gave up on that bad habit. However, during this one time attending his friend’s birthday, he returned home with the smell of cigarettes and smoke covering his body. The father then immediately scolded him with harsh words. The boy tried to explain that it was not him and the person who smoked was the friend that sat next to him, which explained why the smell of smoke stuck in his hair and all over his body. However, the more he explained, the more his words got rejected, so he eventually told his sister, “I said I did not smoke, my friends offered me a few times but I denied them. Dad did not believe me. If I knew I would still be hearing complaints when I came home, I would have smoked to worth all the scolding I have to handle when being doubted like that.”

Did you see that?

The core reason why children are not honest with their parents is because they are never recognised or trusted with anything they are capable of.

Many parents who are having teenage children also shared with me that their kids often lie, even if it is a small lie, and make them confused about why their children keep lying so many times. When listening to many stories similar to those, I started to believe more that parents are truly making lots of mistakes in listening to their children and recognising their achievements when needed.

We, as adults, were once children too. I believe that during our childhood, there were also at least once or twice when we did not dare to be honest with our parents, did we? Furthermore, those times were often due to our fear of being scolded or not being trusted by our parents, and that is why we had to find a way to lie.

So why is it that when you become a parent, you easily forget these feelings?
Take the time to identify and reflect on the surroundings a little bit more, and you will soon recognise the answers to your child’s dishonest behaviour.

There is only one way for them to stop lying, and that is you have to always sit down, listen to them, and always acknowledge everything and every goal they have achieved, even though sometimes they did not do the job as well as what you “expected.”

When your child makes a mistake but then tries to correct it the next time, please enthusiastically acknowledge their effort, as tiny as it can be. I am sure that if you do this many times, your child will gradually reduce the amount of time repeating the mistakes, then eventually stop that bad behaviour and become a better person.

Parents often use the perspective of an adult to observe and evaluate a child’s behaviour, but somehow forget that at such ages, children can only do things within both their physical and mental limits.

Consequently, do not force your child to be as perfect as what you have imagined. Let them finish their responsibilities before becoming perfect. Let them solve their problems with the best efforts they have. And after everything is completed, you can sit down and start encouraging, guiding, and suggesting better methods that your child can try for the next time. By doing this, your parents-children relationship is not only becoming better and closer, but your child will always trust you wholeheartedly. And when your child wants to improve by doing better than what they did yesterday, that would be the best thing that can happen for your child’s development journey.

Much love,
Truly Inspired