CHANGE YOURSELF FIRST BEFORE TRYING TO CHANGE ANYONE ELSE

“Have you ever wondered, at some point, you will have to stop to take some time to “examine” back on everything that has happened in your life with the utmost seriousness?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean, once we have been aware of the importance of self-development, we will understand that our priority should be “impurifying” ourselves, filtering our emotions, making sure that our development pathways are all free of hurdles. Alongside those things, examining back on our past actions, behaviour and thoughts with ourselves, our loved ones, and those we have worked with should also be an important thing, right?”

“Oh, so then if it is that, then I think I have not reached that stage yet. I might have spent some time reflecting back on things whenever I face difficulties, but actually “examining” my own self is something I have never done before.”

This was a short conversation between me and one of the members in the Truly Inspired team when we had a three-hour meeting to plan our future work. Once, she mentioned to me that in the future, she wanted to become an inspirational person who could share insightful stories and help others like what I am doing now, so I decided to take some time to talk more deeply with her on that day.

I unconsciously asked her another question, “After more than six months working together, if you were to pick only a few words to describe me, what would you pick,” to which she answered, “Hmmm, I normally think of you as the role model for a “business woman” who is open-minded, gorgeous, independant, strong but also very feminine.” I was genuinely surprised, of course in a good way, but I also tried to list out for her all the things I have heard from others’ examination of me whenever I try to turn back and fix my own self. They can be something like:

– Highly punctual, perfectionist, detail-oriented, eager to learn and improve, enthusiastic;

– Very considerate, caring and overprotective, but also very aggressive;

– Open-minded and accepting of differences;

– Good looking, stylist, funny but also very easily irritated;

– Prioritising people before myself;

– Nice, friendly, affable, but can also be very unsociable and hard to please;

– Energetic, great sense of humour, but also very aggressive;
And so many more!

That little girl showed a surprised attitude when hearing what people have said about me, but did you notice which word is repeated the most?
“Aggressive.” Is that right?

At first glance, you might think that every bullet point above is about a different person, but they all are actually the descriptions of me from the eyes of other people.

Actually, every comment above is all correct. However, the energy of the word “aggressive” made me understand that I might be thinking that I was just doing things for good, but in some moments and situations, I became negatively “aggressive” under people’s eyes. Sometimes at work, I easily get irritated and start working too fast, making it difficult for many other people to keep up with the things I do, and that very thing makes me angry again. However, at those times, I also unintentionally did not pay enough attention to other people’s feelings and made them feel sad or hurt because of my aggression, even though I was confident that I was aware of my state of anger already (which, in turn, made everything even worse!)

 Later on, I realised that not everyone is born in this world with the same “frequency” or working pace as mine. Because of this, if I notice someone who has a slower pace or produces results lower than my satisfaction level, I will understand that it is because that person’s abilities are still limited, they may have some difficulties, or perhaps their strengths are not what they are trying to do, and from there, I will pay more attention to “cool down” myself and control my emotions to avoid hurting them.

Personally, if I had a choice, I would also like to get rid of the word “aggressive” that many people have labelled me, because I know that I need to fix myself to accept people and things more comfortably. This is also part of the reason why I decided to regularly do “self-examinations” to examine my body and mind, and to fix myself before actually going out and starting to help someone fix themselves. .

However, this also helps me to realise that I already struggle to examine and change myself, then what is the point of wanting people to change according to your own wishes?

One of my luckiest things is to be understood by many people for my “aggressive” personality – they understand that I may behave in such a way because the others and I are working closely together, and because besides serious times, I can also be very lighthearted and love to make others laugh.

Although I am quite confident that there are still other better “aspects” of myself, just that single “aggressive” personality trait has made me spend a good amount of time correcting myself. From there, I could better understand how fixing and changing myself has never been easy, then there is no point in asking others to fix and change themselves, unless they intentionally want to do it. We have no right to interfere in other people’s thoughts and actions, unless they are the one who comes to us to ask for our judgments.

Therefore, when someone seeks me for advice and support, I am always willing to offer them my wisdom and help, but it is up to them whether they want to listen and follow or not. I would never have the right to blame, feel angry, or think to myself that “Why did you ask me but ended up not following what I said? Then what is the point of asking in the first place?”

My dear friend, there will always be people who think that when they have offered someone else help, the other must follow everything they have said. However, in many cases, this is not true. I have also come across this rather “difficult” question that some of my close friends have asked me, “If you were to meet some people who intentionally stab you from behind your back or make up stories against you, and your “aggressive blood” started to surface when you realise their bad intentions, then how would you handle your aggression and the situation?”

If this question were given to me ten years ago, perhaps my response would just be those “magical” words: “Nah, I don’t care.”
However, as for now, I will choose to tell a story about what has happened to me that has changed me into the person I am today. I hope this small story will help you to further understand how I have learned to “fix myself” and “fix others” correctly.

It was a beautiful day when one of my old teachers emailed me when he knew I was facing some “unwelcome” things at that time. He gave me a lot of warm encouragement, reassurance and reminder that in the near future there would be people coming from my “past” relationships who would then “reunite” to hurt and leave me with huge damages. He advised me to stay calm and not to worry about such things too much, or else I would just end up hurting my own self. I replied to the email thanking him for the advice, but I still forced myself to ask him another question, “Why after all these years, “they” still couldn’t leave me alone even though I didn’t even want to touch them? Why do they still intentionally try to hurt me?”

To be fair, I do not have much trouble dealing with the leftovers of what happened between me and “those people”, but letting go is a completely different thing. “When a question still arises, then aggravation still remains.” Because of this, I decided to find a reason and a way for me to finally let go of this grievance that has been haunting me for years.

I tried to spend some time looking back inside, returning myself to the “zero” state and asking, “What is the most precious thing I find within my soul?” “Kindness” was my immediate answer, without any hesitation. I have a very strong belief in the kindness inside of me. I always want to give and share all the knowledge and lessons I have learned in life with the people around me, and from there help them with my purest and soundest intentions.

However, other questions kept appearing inside my head, “Have I ever given something away for others? Why do I still feel bothered?”

I then thought to myself, if my story has given people more confidence to talk about the things they felt embarrassed about or those past mistakes they have been avoiding for so many years, then hopefully it can also help those people get closer and once again heal the open wounds in their decades-long relationships.

At the same time, I have also realised that the happiness of the giver is to see how they have helped the receiver to become better. If the receiver is happy, the giver will also be happy.

I somehow hope that my story can be a gift that unites people and their loved ones back together again, and helps a person regain their confidence after a long time living in “shame”. It does not matter if the story is good or bad, embroidered or clearly honest, stories like those are always worth “telling”, aren’t they?

And so forth, I choose to completely let go of all the things belonging to that very story that has once affected and left a lot of consequences for myself and my small family.

That’s how I “fix others”.

When we know how to balance our emotions, our loved ones will also be able to feel and resonate that positive, peaceful energy. From that point, I can learn how to better understand my loved ones and how to express ourselves more gently. The relationships around us will be much better thanks to the changes within ourselves. Obviously, emotional purification and self-correction are extremely beneficial for one’s personal development, as well as the development of their surrounding relationships, so it is not too bad to give it a try, right? For me, I have been doing this for a very long time in order to get myself to become the person I am today – who is in contact with many other amazing people through this amazing consulting work and regular story sharing.

“Wow, so in the end it is just all about “fixing yourself” first. Perhaps it is just another way of better referring to “fixing others”, isn’t it?”

That question coming from my team member has got me laughing in delight. I gently responded, “Ha ha, you should return back to this article’s title again, “Change yourself first before trying to change anyone else,” and you will totally get what I want to say. No one has the right to “fix” anyone, and only when that person is truly willing to “fix themselves” can we help them by “fixing them”, okay?”

That is right, no one will really change unless they really want to change. We can only “correct ourselves” to become better, to create more sympathy and comfort for ourselves, and to bring peace to others. For them, they will eventually change in a very rhythmic way according to the change in your “radiation”. Try to focus on yourself for once. Change and fix yourself the way you want, and you will see the difference you can make, even in your surrounding relationships.

Much love,
Truly Inspired