WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE STABBED IN THE BACK BY SOMEONE?

It was one of my past Coaching sessions with a young woman customer who was facing loads of personal issues at that time, specifically issues coming from all those “scandals” and “gossips” at her workplace. She told me, “I find myself as a very careful person, and sometimes I can even be super picky, but I have never intended to do anything wrong or blame anyone for any mistakes I made. Whenever I see someone do something wrong, I tell them about the problems so that they can have a chance to improve themselves. Everything I do for the other coworkers all comes from my genuine wish to better my working environment and maintain the shared benefits between us. However, I just can’t understand why there are so many people, including the ones I regard as being super friendly and close to me, who can never recognise all the good things I’ve done, but instead just focus on those “bad” sides of mine like being hard to please and easily irritated?

I never want to perceive things in that way, I’ve never seen myself as being so unsociable like that! It gets worse when I know that even the people that I regard as my “best friends” also say similar things about me whenever I’m not around. Nobody appraises me for the good things I’ve done!”

The young lady kept on pouring her frustration and irritation from deep inside her, and I could truly sense that she had been hiding them away for a really long time. It must have been fairly long since someone last gave her some nice words. I also understand that out there, many other people have also gone through similar situations like this lady when working in a large community.

After the lady’s story had come to an end, I gently asked her two questions, “If you were now to be highly regarded and spoken about by others, then what would you do? Would you want to keep on listening to those things forever, and would you be sure that you could perform way better if those sugar-coated words were “poured” into your ears every day?

Try to have a look at your situation one more time. You have never been well-recognised for the good things you have done, and you have been negatively referred to from behind your back all this time, yet did you ever stop doing those good things for others? Did you actually switch to doing things that may cause discomfort and harm to people – like what they are trying to “accuse” you of?”

The young woman got silent for some minutes, maybe to reflect back on all the things she has done in the past. I also felt as if her silence was asking me to keep on talking, and after two more hours of sharing and consulting, she could finally recognise the true problems that she was encountering. She started to giggle at me and seemed like her negative feelings had been freed, and the heavy stone pressing down on her heart had soon been thrown away. I started to feel “released” by looking at how her negativity was “released” too!

After our long talk, I also had a small opportunity to tell her a bit about things that I had gone through. I have also been the “aimed” target of all the gossip and rumours from people, to the point that I somehow had to think of them as brutal and vicious “flies of arrows” that kept on aiming at me to hurt and conquer me. However, I still had to find my own ways to stand up, face those “arrows” and fight back them to become the person I am today – the one who knows how to live true to the “gifts” that the Universe has given me.

My dear friend,
Workplace gossip, backstabbing and rumours has always been an inevitable part of our work life, no matter where you come from, or which century you live in. The most important thing here is how we choose to confront it and resolve all the problems.

I once came across this very inspiring quote from Jeff Bezos – the Founder and CEO of Amazon.com, “Branding is what people say about when you are not in the room.”

I can deeply relate to this quote, and I think it is also similar to what I presume the values of a person should be. Personal values must be solely self-created, and must be reassured through one’s self-development, personality, dignity, actions and words. It should never be built upon made-up things that people label on you or what people say from behind your back.

Personal values create the self-branding of a person, and no matter how hard people try to distort it, as long as the personal values are true to one’s self, it can never be distorted.

Getting back to the young lady’s story above, it is clear how all the harsh words and backstabbing were not the true values that she was trying to bring to other people. The others around were just trying to label her with their own “distortions”, maybe because they intended to do so, or just because they could not understand her actions.

However, I do understand that the girl also has plenty of weaknesses and things to be improved, and sometimes her good intentions are not suitably expressed, leading to misinterpretations to occur from others. Perhaps because she kept on displaying her discomfort and negative feelings a bit too often that people might take it personally, and did not regard her good intentions as highly as they were. Her job is to only take into account words and feedback that she thinks are constructive and “useful” enough to help her change and become better. However, if those criticisms start to get out of hand, or if she has changed herself but the others still keep on spreading bad things about her, then it is better for her to abandon the situation and consider changing her workplace. In the end, it is all about recognising whether people have good intentions towards you, or are just trying to bring you down.

The line between constructive criticism and negative judgement is very thin and fragile, and the latter seems to be a bigger pitfall for most of us. Because of this, we tend to bring up unwanted rumours and harsh words against each other, both intentionally and unintentionally, even if the others are the ones we love the most.

If you ever find yourself in such situations, let me give you a warm and tight hug, and just remember that all you need to do is stay strong and be brave. Always be ready to receive critiques, change and adapt when there are still rooms for improvements. At the same time, always be brave to get yourself out of any circumstances or environments in which people just do not want to accept or welcome you.

We only live once in this life, and each of us, including you and me, has our very own “missions” to accomplish and treasurable life values to create. Don’t ever feel down because of some trashy, wrongful lies people tell about you, while at the same time don’t get too excited when someone keeps showering you with compliments that you are not even sure whether they are true or not. Every of the feelings you get from other people’s words are just feelings – they are temporary, they will fade away at some point, and they are not the determinants of your true personal values, okay?

Some days before, a member in my Truly Inspired team also sent me a small message about the same matter, and even though it was just a casual “message”, it still left me with very deep thoughts afterwards. She sent me a quote from a famous actor, who said “If you are not blind, then do not get to know me through words from others.” You can also use this quote as a self-reassurance whenever you want people to get to know you through your own values that you give out, not through the “words” that other people label on you.
Keep up the good work!

Much love,
Truly Inspired®