TOXIC POSITIVITY, PT. 2 – “BROKEN CONNECTIONS”

• Do not stop trying, giving up is very terrible!

• Hey, what is so sad about it? That is a normal thing.

• Try harder! If B and C can do it, you can do the same too. Just do it!

Do these sentences sound familiar to you?
You must have already heard them a lot from social networks, close friends, siblings, parents, or sometimes from an acquaintance or someone who accidentally passed by your life.
How do you feel every time you hear these phrases? Do you ever feel like you are overwhelmed, wanting to let go, wanting to avoid, not allowing them to “invade” your brain and emotions?

For me, that is a big “Yes”! Not too often, just occasionally, my mind will refuse to receive or use these phrases, no matter if it is to myself or others.

Although I know that as a Coach, inspiring others is sometimes one of the main tasks I need to fulfill for Truly Inspired‘s clients and readers, I often prefer to go straight to the heart of the matter when faced with customers’ less positive emotions. It’s not that I don’t want to use words of encouragement or motivation, nor do I consider them empty platitudes. It is simply because in those moments, I choose to guide them back to their inner selves, to accompany them on their journey of self-discovery, and to help them find the answers when confronted with their own challenges. Similarly, when I see someone going through a tough time, I opt for silent presence, listening attentively, or offering words that make them feel understood and supported.

No encouraging, no exhorting, no judging, disparaging, or excessively positively cheering them up, sometimes, is the best thing someone needs when they choose us to share their problems with.

Why do I think like that? That is because, you know, a lot of times our excessive positivity inadvertently turns out to be very toxic to others. Then, sometimes they do not need any positive encouragement since what they need is just a hug, someone holding their hands, an hour of silence of someone sitting next to them, just to let them peacefully immerse into their sadness, pain, or disappointments. That is all they need.

Moreover, the more consultations I went through with my clients, the more I am certain that positivity does not always work the same for everyone, like the article “Toxic positivity, pt. 1. – Graceless” is an example of this. Additionally, being excessively positive can sometimes result in broken connections. This can happen within the person themself, or with other people.

I will explain more about malicious positivity that causes disconnection in the two sections below.

Firstly, being inflexibly positive just like a pre-programmed robot.
Do you know why people these days often remind or judge each other based on attitudes? Especially, in many agencies, companies, or even families, it is very common to consider a positive attitude as a guideline for joint operation. That means even if you are sad, you still must try to forget your sadness and put a smile on your face. You are not allowed to express any kind of anger or discomfort in front of others. In contrast, you always have to show a calm, happy, and peaceful attitude, no matter how stressed and broken inside you are. Get rid of all those negative emotions or expressions inside of you, hide them deep down inside so others can remember you with the most perfect version of yourself. You need to control all of this in front of your colleagues, friends, or even family members.

A person who practises having this type of positivity for a long time usually belongs to two types of people: first is someone who tries hard to help improve others; the other one is someone who tries to be positive just to fit in with those people around them because everyone is always happy.

Both of these types are quite dangerous if they are being applied in a non-flexible,  formulaic way just like I have mentioned above. For instance, you choose to smile everywhere, anytime for fear that others will not feel comfortable if you show somewhat sad, moody facial expressions. Or sometimes, you even deny your real feelings when you are alone by yourself. Over a long time, you begin to feel a little guilty, feel bad about yourself, or immediately sink into waves of torment when you accidentally express a negative tone in front of someone, even if it was not that deep. When you constantly negate your feelings like that, all your mood developments will be compressed, even clumped, then sink deeper, going straight into your subconsciousness. They make you behave and treat your emotions like a programmed robot, with formulas being all over the surface without in-depth development. You would not know how to be a friend with your soul nor know how to heal yourself when you get hurt. This is the time when you break the connection with your inner self.

Positive developments in a non-flexible, formulaic way are also reflected in you only wanting to see the world from the most positive perspective. Practising positive thinking in adversity is something you should do, but if you make it a habit, it will be difficult for you to anticipate risks, and not have a prevention plan when facing your work and daily life. That is because you always think everything is just going in a better direction. The presence of difficulties is good. If no problems are occurring, then it is also good. Keep thinking like this, you can easily make inaccurate judgments and decisions in many situations, and you will even make mistakes.

Secondly, being excessively positive makes it easier for you to downplay other people’s feelings. The three questions that I listed at the beginning of the article are meant to be examples for this part. Moreover, this is also the core reason why connections between you and others can be broken.

Try to imagine, or perhaps recall, a few situations in your daily life, such as accidentally losing an amount of money, which for you is a lot because they cost you many years to earn. Then, a person, when listening to you confiding, immediately said: “That is just a bit of a loss, you can still earn them back. Just calm down.”, or “Better lose the saddle than the horse. As long as we are still good, we have everything”, or “Your parents are rich! It will not take you long to ask them back the money”, or “Go home and ask for it from your husband. It was not much”.

Theoretically, these are not wrong, on the contrary, they are very true to many people’s situations. However! What people needed at that moment was not these words. Sometimes those innocuous words of encouragement will make the listener’s emotions come to a sudden halt. That is because, more than anyone else, they still fully understand that once they have earned that money, they would still be able to earn it in the future. Or, they know that their parents, husband/wife can completely provide them back that amount of money. They even knew that “it is better to lose the saddle than the horse” is true, but, at that time, they did not need to listen to things that they already knew the answer to themselves.

What they need then, sometimes is just simply: “Do you want to cry? Here is my shoulder, and tissues. Cry on my shoulder!”, or “What do I need to do to help you right now?”, or, “Oh, I know that is a lot of money. If it was me, I would feel worse than you. It is reasonable if you are sad, of course. Just be sad, I am here for you.”

That is it, my dear friend!
Positive words of encouragement are sometimes what make someone’s emotional flow to be suddenly blocked, causing social connections clogs and breaks.

Therefore, when someone shares their problems with you, if you rush to tell them to be positive, it will accidentally create more distance between your souls. They assume that you do not truly understand them, or have never tried to understand them at all. However, it is the listening, genuine tolerance, and empathy, that are the delicate caress for their souls at these moments. Then the somewhat unhappy emotions will flow naturally in them. That is a way to heal their wounds faster than ever.

Consider positive feelings as a gift you deserve to get when you truly feel the need to boost your spirits and motivation to experience life. Sometimes when negativity comes, just allow yourself to be sad, to be in pain, to be immersed in certain dark moments. Do not resist, nor go against them. Let everything flow naturally. Welcome them all, because they are just emotions, “virtual” feelings. They will come and then go. Even though they may come as violent waves in your mind, when they leave, they will always be gentle and peaceful!

Do not stay positive for anyone. Be positive only when you think it is necessary for yourself. If no one else out there accepts your lack of positivity, let yourself acknowledge it!

Much love,
Truly Inspired®