WHY DO YOU FEEL LONELY AND STRUGGLE TO OPEN UP?

Have you ever wondered why some individuals are so open and expressive, readily sharing their thoughts and stories with anyone they meet? On the contrary, there are those who find it incredibly challenging to voice their emotions. And why is it that we often refer to “kindred spirits,” yet they seem so elusive to find?

After conducting numerous small surveys and observing life around me, and also from listening to the stories shared by loved ones and customers, I have consistently realised one thing: being alone is easy, but becoming a “harmoniously integrated loner” is a complex feat for many.

The term “harmoniously integrated loner” refers here to individuals who can govern their lives, emotions, and decisions independently. They are capable of living on their own terms, managing everything from earning a living to personal care, and interacting with others. They do not necessarily require many people around them; a few quality connections or even solitude suffices, yet when needed, they seamlessly connect with others and engage joyfully with the world. These “harmoniously integrated loners” find contentment in their own company, yet possess the knack for sharing and camaraderie when interacting with others.

For the remaining cases, I kindly request the liberty to categorise them into the realm of being a “solitary loner.” This is due to the fact that whether they are alone or in the company of others, they remain unable to experience genuine contentment. They are individuals who find it exceptionally challenging to vocalise their inner emotions to anyone, or perhaps even engage in self-reflection and introspection.

Based on my explorations into the depths of human experience, I have unearthed the answers for those “solitarily lonely” people. They may become who they are due to one, or even all three, of the following reasons:

• They have experienced overwhelming oppression or have been made a mockery, one or multiple times, in the presence of others.
• Despite being surrounded by many, none truly listen or embrace them with sincere acceptance.
• They are strangers to building a genuine companionship with their own selves.

In each of these scenarios, I have witnessed individuals ensnared in diverse circumstances.

The first instance brings to my mind a young boy, a sibling of one of my friends, who had a minor trait of often feeling embarrassed when conversing with others. Particularly, when asked to stand and deliver a speech, his cheeks would flush a rosy hue, and as the conversation extended, his face would redden like a ripe gac fruit, his ears turned warm and he began to stumble over his words, with his eyes fixed downward, avoiding eye contact. On one occasion, I visited their home to celebrate my friend’s birthday – who was his elder sister.

This incident is nearly a decade old, so the specifics of the gift he prepared for his sister elude my memory. However, I recall it being a handmade creation, inside of which resided a drawing depicting him and his sister studying together. Somehow, during the moment when he stood up to give his speech and present the gift to his sister at the party, that very drawing was snatched by a cousin, who playfully ran around the house with it in his hands, causing much amusement among the adults present. The reason for their laughter was that the drawing was not particularly well-executed, and the image within the drawing was ridiculous!

The young boy was quite passionate about art, yet he was not exceptionally skilled at drawing. As far as I knew, he had created numerous paintings in his pursuit of crafting the most beautiful gift for his sister, and he had also prepared heartfelt words to share with his sibling. However, who could believe that a random cousin could choose to tease him in the midst of the gathering, triggering his underlying speech impediment. His face transitioned from a blush to a deep red, then gradually to a pale white, as a blend of embarrassment and frustration flooded his emotions.
Following that incident, my dear friend, he almost never participated in any large family gatherings, and as he grew older, that young boy continued to live as a shadow within the family, quite introverted, refraining from engaging or opening up to those around him… While the jesting among children might seem trivial to adults or those present at that party, who found it amusing, little did they realise that deep within that boy’s heart, something seemed to have shattered irreparably…

He wanted to express his true feelings to his older sister, but others turned it into a joke, even if it was just in jest, causing the words he wanted to say to get stuck in his throat. Even the thoughts that followed remained in the depths of his heart, where no one could ever draw them out until he grew up.

Perhaps the words he wished to say back then have somehow faded now, but I believe that for a 10-year-old, those memories are indelible, memories that made him blush with embarrassment. It has been quite a while since I have heard about that little boy, so I do not really know how he has changed and grown. I only hope that as he grows up, there will be someone who can help him open up, so he does not feel “lonely in his solitude” anymore.

In the second scenario, there are plenty of people around, but you cannot find anyone to listen to the voice within you. This is a rather common situation, not just among children and adults but also the elderly. Especially in today’s world of rapid technological advancement, this “contemplative” state afflicts many, surrounded by constant flashes, changes, and bustling activities, yet they can only find scarce instances of attentive listening, genuine concern, or true appreciation. In this case, a mere glance around can easily reveal this reality to you. In fact, you might even find yourself stuck in this very situation, might you not?

The third scenario encompasses, or thereby involves the lack of, befriending oneself. Although equally pervasive, its recognition remains limited among people. Nowadays, social media is rife with advice on healing, self-love, self-respect, mindfulness, and finding solace within oneself, etc. However, can you truly understand and implement them all? 

Some people can do it, some cannot. I totally understand this because it is not at all easy. Very few can learn to live fully with themselves without feeling lacking or lonely. There are always those who chase after the shadow of others, allowing others to “control” their emotions and actions every day without even realising it.

All three scenarios lead us to a state of loneliness, making it difficult to share with others. Nonetheless, each situation has its own solution. If you find yourself in such a state, remain calm! You are not alone, and out there are hundreds, even millions of people just like you!

If today you have the fortune to read these lines, please be patient a bit longer, and let’s learn together how to overcome loneliness!

I, too, have experienced solitude, having undertaken tasks on my own, even going to movies or dining solo. I have as well been through numerous instances like this. During those times, my focus was solely on work and self-care; I did not engage in relationships with anyone, days began and ended with just me. However, my dear friend, I consider myself fortunate to have been in a state of a “harmoniously integrated loner.”

Allow me to share with you how I have managed to find happiness within myself while also feeling comfortable conversing with others when needed.

First and foremost, I delved deeper into self-understanding. I took the time to sit down and observe myself, reevaluating the values I possessed. I jotted down a bullet-point list: things I have, and things I lack. I needed to identify areas for improvement and things that needed restraint. I did not do this just once; I did it multiple times. I consciously heightened my mindfulness of everything around me, aiming to learn and refine myself, to make myself more valuable, beneficial, and to maintain a better life balance.

Next, I categorised the issues I needed to share with suitable individuals – those genuinely willing to listen. As I have shared in some of my previous articles, I do not have an abundance of external relationships, as I only have a handful of friends, some family members, and a few respected teachers. Each time I encounter an issue, I specifically classify which problems I can address on my own without burdening others; which issues require seeking opinions and advice from others; and which problems are too intricate, necessitating the expertise of higher intellectual minds to assist me.

I am not inclined to casually share moments of joy, sorrow, personal matters, or work-related issues with others. One of my teachers once advised me, “Sharing joy with the wrong person turns you into a braggart. Sharing sorrow with the wrong person turns you into a laughingstock for the world!” Therefore, I rarely feel the need to recount or deeply divulge my everyday life, except with those within my “safe” and trusted circle.

Last but not least, I took up the practice of journaling and poured everything onto the pages. Writing is a way to explore oneself and comprehend the world deeply without having to say too much out loud. Writing is a form of self-healing, a way to alleviate inner turmoil, reduce loneliness, and negative thoughts when alone or facing unforeseen circumstances. Writing makes you more accepting, broadens your perspective, and gradually transforms you over time. One fine day in the future, you might sit down and read the lines of emotions you penned on a dark rainy night, revisiting those damp sentiments, perhaps you will chuckle and feel a sense of gratitude!

The journey to befriend oneself may be one of the loneliest journeys, yet it will undoubtedly not leave you disappointed. You will discover fulfilment in scarcity, warmth in solitude, and the pure beauty of past sorrows!

When you delve deeply into self-discovery during your practice, no sense of loneliness can dominate you, and fewer will be the instances that render you tongue-tied in the presence of others. By aligning with the right people – the right timing – the right approach, you will consistently feel fulfilled, smooth, and light, my dear friend!

Strive to practise and observe yourself more to continually embrace a wellspring of fresh energy, happiness, and contentment, my dear friend!

Much love,
Truly Inspired®