WHY ARE BOYS LESS OFTEN CLOSE TO THEIR DADS?

In many past articles in the “Parents and Children” section, Truly Inspired has often shared reasons why “Your child loves you but hates the way you love them,” or “Parenting is not easy at all!”, etc., which aims to further clarify the emotional family connection between generations. The common theme of these articles is the sharing of ways to become closer to our children.

However, I have noticed a truth: typically, children tend to be closer to their mothers than to their fathers. Furthermore, when a relationship between parents and children is improved, it is mostly thanks to the help from mothers. Of course, I understand that not all families have children who are closer to their moms than their dads, but from my observation, our children, whether young or old, tend to confide and share more with their moms. This is because, in the minds of the little ones, dads always seem to create a feeling that is rather less approachable.

In my own targeted and small-scale survey conducted over several years, during which I had the opportunity to interact with children aged 7-16 in everyday life, especially boys, and through my work with clients, the majority of the feedback I received was as follows:
– Dads are often perceived as distant, gruff, prone to yelling, lacking warmth and attentiveness, etc.
– Dads are demanding about studies, always strict in everything, seemingly unable to understand their child at all, etc.
– Dads rarely ask if their child is tired, and seldom offer hugs, etc.
– Each time they face their dad, children tend to feel very anxious, even if there is no particular reason, etc.

Since dads have been seen in this light by the children from the time they began to gain a greater awareness of life, even as they grow older, the characteristics they attribute to their dads tend to remain fixed in a single mould. Children often tell me that they love both their parents, but when choosing whom to confide in regularly, or to inform about something serious happening at school, they usually prefer their mom over their dad, unless their mom is away on a business trip or too busy to be immediately present.

As someone who has grown up and is also a parent facing the challenges of raising a daughter entering puberty, I fully understand why dads often leave behind less favourable impressions in their child’s hearts, as well as comprehend the concerns of parents who have children, especially those with sons.

In truth, the dads of these children are also experiencing fatherhood for the first time, observing a life grow from infancy to adulthood with initial awkwardness and clumsiness, such as when learning to change diapers or how to hold and soothe a child. They were once naive boys themselves and only after being dealt a few harsh blows by life did they become mature men; hence, within them, certain rough and tough aspects formed early on, making them less pliable and tender compared to moms. Or, from a young age, these dads were also significantly influenced by the rather harsh and strict discipline from their own fathers. Therefore, despite being grown and capable of handling many of life’s issues, these fathers might still find themselves at a loss when faced with difficult questions from their sons, etc., because in their youth, they too had to learn to seek answers themselves rather than being provided with them by their fathers.

I also know that there are dads who deeply wish to cuddle and protect their child every step of the way, but above all, what a dad desires is to teach their child to protect themselves, to be independent so that one day they can grow up to be strong and brave in facing the world. However, misunderstandings, distances, and differences in thinking between the two generations make each dad, in some aspect, become a model of aloofness, strictness, and inaccessibility to all their sons.

There have been numerous instances where children, especially boys, come to recognise their dad’s love after witnessing the hardships and stress he endures at work, how he faces difficulties from others, and the extent to which he has to stay up late and wake up early to complete his tasks; or, there might be an event during which their dad chooses to protect and sacrifice more so that the child can live comfortably – It is at these moments that children truly feel their dad’s love, which is shown differently from their mom’s – not that he is always cold, indifferent, etc.

So, how can we improve the relationship between dads and their children? Or more precisely, how can a grown man become closer to the young man he is raising?

Here, I see two approaches that you might consider and apply simultaneously to help develop a better relationship between dad and son:

First – unity between dad and mom in parenting.
Always presenting a united front on all issues concerning the child is something parents should do when discussing solutions to their child’s problems.
Why is this important?

Because I have often witnessed scenarios where the dad teaches one thing, but the mom teaches another. Or, the dad scolds while the mom soothes excessively. Such seemingly loving actions by the mom can actually affect the child’s feelings towards their dad, leading to a differentiation in their perception of their parents’ love. They start to measure, weigh, and wonder, is it their dad or mom who loves them more? After each scolding from their dad, and the subsequent defence or consolation from their mom, they become more convinced that only their mom can offer them love and comfort. They then “frame” their dad’s affection accordingly, naturally confiding in and sharing more with their mom instead of seeking out their dad – who, sometimes, might be the very person capable of resolving the issue at hand!

Unity between parents in raising their child is paramount. My husband and I have always practised this with our daughter, leading her to comfortably share everything with both of us – school matters, friendships – during family gatherings, without preferring one parent over the other. Naturally, being a girl, she may have secrets and private matters she wishes to share only with me. This is understandable, as moms and dads can differ in how they approach private topics related to gender. However, aside from those exceptions, both of us are involved in most aspects of parenting. We make it a point to sit down together and discuss matters with her clearly, aiming to avoid situations where she might feel inclined to confide in one parent and not the other.

You see, through these discussions, our daughter learns how to express her concerns openly and clearly to us; and after our guidance and suggestions, it also aids in teaching her teamwork, negotiation skills, and fostering a sense of unity with all family members, regardless of age or emotional distance!

To achieve this unity, it is crucial that both parents align their principles. Additionally, for example, whenever the dad disciplines or advises the child, it is important for the mom to review if the issues being corrected by the husband are indeed the specific basic skills that need to be addressed, as previously discussed or guided, or not.

If discipline is enacted without prior guidance, it can unintentionally hurt the child, leading to a lack of respect! This is especially true for boys, who, once they lose respect, can make subsequent parenting efforts more challenging.

I also do not support the approach of “reprimanding before teaching,” as it merely reflects the use of an adult’s ego and “understanding” in dealing with their child, rather than providing proper and suitable guidance. In instances where you have previously instructed the child and they still err, you should adapt your response based on the situation at hand! Remember, each child is different, and you must employ varying solutions, not a one-size-fits-all approach!

Boys will always respect their dad when he knows how to love correctly – to teach sufficiently and to act well! They will find it difficult to listen if all they see in their father is the “bullying” authority of an elder!

Second, learn to communicate with children like grown men.
To me, being a grown man is not about having a family or being the oldest in the household, but about being empathetic and rational, knowing when to be firm and when to show love and gentleness in dealing with one’s children.

I believe that in the eyes of those little boys, their dad is always a hero in many senses. And being a hero in their eyes means they will always show admiration and a certain level of obedience to their father – because they think, by following dad, they can also be a hero!

You can entirely teach children according to such a “heroic ideal.” Guide them gently from a young age. However, in order to do so, you need to spend a certain amount of time playing with them daily, thereby enhancing the affection and understanding between both parties. Be a hero but also remember that there are things in this world even a hero cannot accomplish!

What I mean is, use the hero image to build a sturdy, brave character in children, teaching them to help and take responsibility for themselves and others. However, sometimes a hero also knows how to cry, to feel sad, to fail. It is just that after crying, a hero will smile again, continuing to be a true man who protects himself, his loved ones, and the vulnerable in life!

Have the courage to let your child know the truth:
Dad is just Dad, harbouring inner thoughts and unaccustomed to expressing them outwardly, but deep inside, Dad knows he always keeps an eye on you and loves you immensely, no less than Mom does!

If Mom teaches you how to love, Dad will teach his sons how to protect that love like a true man, and he will show his daughters the true value of the love they give and what it should look like!

A family is a place where everyone has the right to feel they belong. Therefore, give each other the opportunity to be understood, whether son or daughter, treating each fairly and expressing love equally clearly. Bridging the generational gap will nurture the love in the relationship between father and children! Parenting is not easy, but it is not too hard either. Everything can be solved when we become friends with the little ones, do not forget!

Much love,
Truly Inspired