MOTHER, WHY DID YOU “SELL” ME?

If you ask me what kind of coaching experiences leave the most profound impact and emotions within me, I do not need much time to think before answering: the cases of healing.

Becoming a Coach is a job that offers me valuable experiences, encounters with various types of people, and encounters with numerous situations. Sometimes, if I had not heard them share their struggles and hardships firsthand, I would not even believe such events existed in the world. The following story is one of those instances.

I remember I have told you that I will always reserve my late afternoon time for coaching cases that involve such special circumstances. On one of those days, I met a client with a story of such nature. It was fairly late in the afternoon, and my appointment was with a male client. The initial consultation with that client had already taken place and concluded long ago, but as I sat down to write my journal, the emotions stemming from his sharing still lingered powerfully within me.

He was a middle-aged man, maybe around 50 years old. This person sought me out through an order for the Healing Coach service, which was linked on the Truly Inspired website. The guest arrived at my office dressed very formally, with white hair and eyes tinged with a hint of red, signifying the presence of numerous fragments of brokenness and long-held emotional wounds, including anger and pent-up frustration.

The appearance of the man immediately awakened my intuition. Unlike what the eyes conveyed, behind that gaze lay a kind and genuine person. However, it seemed that he had endured numerous emotional setbacks, pain, and profound wounds over a long period, which is why such expressions of suffering manifested on his face.

The initial counselling session lasted for three hours, and more than half of that time was spent listening to him recount his entire life story, as well as the conflicts from the past that have led to his current suffering.

Allow me to briefly mention only a few details so that you can better understand why I have titled this article “Mother, why did you ‘sell’ me?”:

The incident began with a misunderstanding between my client and his eldest sister in the family. However, somehow, the story escalated too quickly and took on a life of its own, causing all the relatives and loved ones in his family to side with the eldest sister. Even the second sister – the one who could be said to love him the most in the family – also supported the eldest sister and turned to blame the man. And you know what? Even the person he loved the most, his mother, also stood by the eldest sister, even though the incident only stemmed from a minor misunderstanding, and he did not even do anything excessive this whole time.

Every member of the family solely listened to stories from the sister, and then they gathered together to pass judgement, evaluate, and speak terribly bad to my client without hearing him speak about the conflict. He was completely isolated in this “family battle” with his flesh and blood.

Finally, as a mature man who has experienced numerous setbacks and storms in life, as well as being a younger sibling and child within the family, he decided to remain silent, refraining from arguments and avoiding further complications in the story. However, little did he expect that his silence, intended to preserve harmony and overlook his own grievances, would inadvertently “provoke” the other members’ egos and pride, intensifying the flames of anger within them.

Because for those individuals, they believe that those who hold a lower status within the family must always be humble and publicly apologise to their elders in order to be considered “rightful”. Even his wife – who has absolutely no involvement in the issue between her husband and the sister – also had to make an effort to communicate and apologise to the eldest sister. Although the wife knew very well that her husband had not done anything wrong, when considering the sisterly bond and the hierarchy within the family, she expressed her willingness to apologise to the sister. However, at that moment, the sister refused to accept the apology, and straightforwardly used disrespectful language towards the younger couple. After the younger brother’s wife received those words, they chose silence as a way to leave behind those relationships that heavily lacked goodness and respect.

My dear friend, in every family, especially those with many children, disagreements and conflicts arising from incompatible personalities are common occurrences. Every household will experience some turmoil at some point, however, what matters is that as members of the same family, we should have a greater inclination towards tolerance and understanding than towards outsiders. Nevertheless, the story of this man has shown me a different perspective on the concept of “family.”

After a period of time, the second sister in the client’s family began to seek ways to reconnect with the man’s wife. However, due to the wounds inflicted by these family members, the wife made her position clear – she did not want to accept or reconnect unless there was something important at stake. Prior to this, their kindness had been met with a message announcing a “broken and ended relationship” accompanied by heavy insults. The wife, in order to protect her husband and avoid further complications for him, remained steadfast in her decision to maintain a certain distance from her husband’s family.

Hence, the hatred and anger of the adults in that family reached its peak, accumulating to the point where they were willing to devise plans to entrap my client’s family and take them to court.

The second sister always found excuses like she was really worried for her nephew, only to later fabricate stories and speak ill of the man to his ex-wife. As for the ex-wife, after numerous unsuccessful attacks on her ex-husband’s new marriage, an opportunity presented itself once again. She decided to join forces with the sister to create further negative attacks on their small family.

On one side is envy, and on the other side is resentment due to being rejected from reconnection; they both indeed had created a time bomb that would explode in no time.

I could not possibly envision such a small domestic dispute could escalate to this extent. Surprisingly, it had yet to stop there; the subsequent developments only make me sympathise with the customer’s story even more. He devoted all his love and utmost respect to the most important person in his family, someone he believed would never abandon him no matter what, only to discover that this person was also contributing to deepening his wounds: his biological mother!

That mother responded to her son’s love with the actions and behaviour of a real spy. It is heart-wrenching to use these words, but I do not know of any other words that would be more appropriate.

When the older sister failed to find a way to “reconnect”, the mother took matters into her own hands. She went to stay at her son’s house where he was living happily with his new wife and their daughter. However, the presence of the mother in the family only led to further deadlock. Every day, she would smile and praise her daughter-in-law, but as soon as she turned her back, she would unleash words devoid of any goodwill, even fabricating stories about the wife to tell to her granddaughter in order to undermine the lady and sow discord between them. She even advised her granddaughter to return to live with her biological mother for a better life.

Nonetheless, my dear friend, people with a kind and honest soul will always be protected. Since the little girl started living with her father and stepmother, she was taught to always be polite to adults, to show respect to them, and never to argue with them inappropriately no matter what happens. Therefore, when she heard unreasonable words from her grandmother, she simply smiled and let it go. However, the girl also made sure to assert to her grandmother that she loves her current family very much, and she only wants to live with her father and stepmother. The repetitive actions of her grandmother caused increasing discontent within the girl’s heart, and in the end, a particular incident deeply hurt her and made her decide that she no longer wanted to be close to her grandmother, as she no longer felt respect for her due to the harm the grandma had caused to the girl’s small family.

Throughout her time living with her son’s family, that mother constantly provided information to her daughter (which was the eldest sister) and the man’s ex-wife, enabling them to collaborate on a plan to expose her son’s family to legal authorities. They aimed to fabricate criminal charges against the couple. The mother, torn between affection and disdain, reluctantly chose to “sell” and betray her own child in a way that perhaps no one could have ever anticipated.

Unfortunately, right at the time when the family was facing such a heartbreaking situation, the customer’s mother-in-law suffered a stroke. Coupled with the rampant COVID pandemic, it prevented his wife from being able to go back and visit her mother. Things were getting darker and more desperate as they had to continue enduring attacks and harm from their own hereditary family.

Fortunately, his daughter, amazingly strong and resolute, took it upon herself to restore justice for her father and stepmother with utmost clarity and precision, just as a young teenager about to enter her adolescent years could. The genuine sincerity, love, and kindness that the stepmother bestowed upon her husband’s daughter rendered her unable to align herself with her biological mother, or join forces with her paternal grandmother and aunts in attacking her father and stepmother. As a result, their family successfully escaped from what the client himself referred to as a “calamity” when he recounted the circumstances he faced at that time!

I have sat in silence, allowing emotions to flow from one surprise to another as I listened to my client share his story. From his narrative, I was suddenly reminded of another family’s story that I know, which goes something like this:

It was also a large family, similar to the extended family of this client. Each member of that family had also experienced numerous difficulties and setbacks on their ways of building their future. The siblings in the family were as well not immune to conflicts and arguments. In fact, there was one older brother who caused quite a ruckus, leading the remaining siblings to contemplate involving the police to restrain him from his destructive habits.

However, their mother stepped forward and advised her children to love and be tolerant towards their elder brother. Despite the fact that the members of that family were contrastingly different, some of whom have matured while others remain imperfect, rarely communicate with each other on a daily basis, and at times even feel the urge to call the police to resolve family matters; it is because of the love they have for their mother and the bond they share with one another that they refrained from doing so. They never joined forces with outsiders to harm anyone within their family. In the end, the storms within that family have passed, and they have remained by each other’s side through difficult times, striving to improve their individual lives day by day.

There is a saying, “A fierce tiger does not devour its cubs,” and I have witnessed this truth in the second story as well. Even in the most challenging and life-threatening circumstances, the mother, with unwavering love for her children, still actively advised and guided them to be tolerant and understanding towards one another.

Do you see it? The two mothers in the two stories are truly opposite! Both stories have taught me valuable lessons about relationships in life. I have come to realise that every relationship we have in life appears to serve a certain purpose. Therefore, I hope that when we have the fate to become family or even have the fortune of being friends with someone, we strive to behave in the most kind and loving manner possible in order to maintain harmony in that relationship. Let us maintain kindness until the very end, even when the relationship stands on the brink of ending, so as not to create any further negative consequences.

Life always has its rewards and consequences for everything we do. Whether right or wrong, each person will have to pay a different price for their own actions and decisions.

Through the story of my client, what I want to share with you is this: Never cling to phrases like “Leave it to fate” in order to resolve deep-seated resentments, jealousy, and animosity within yourself toward others. Those who do not resonate on the same frequency are best advised not to choose to continue living together. This is to minimise the negative consequences as much as possible that could possibly happen to both sides.

This is because all actions we undertake will not only have an impact on the present but can also become a “legacy” to be recounted to future generations. Like the little girl in the man’s story, she not only endured deep emotional wounds but also forever eroded the respect that her grandmother and aunts once held for her, eternally.

My dear friend, as we grow older, we always set goals to accumulate more digits in our bank accounts to live a happier life. However, let us not forget to also accumulate and multiply kindness in our account of love, for it is only through kindness that we can truly experience genuine affection, and it is only through affection that our lives become more meaningful.

Much love,
Truly Inspired