STOP WEIGHING YOUR CHILD DOWN WITH “ROCKS”!

What teaching approach are you using with your child?
I have two very typical stories about child rearing to share here. These stories are real and have given me unique lessons and insights on how to teach my child in such a way that she does not become an overly “exceptional child.”

First story
Exceptional children – unique personality
This is a case of child-rearing where I could foresee some of the outcomes, and I had previously advised the parents of this child as well, yet both parents were not sufficiently vigilant because they always wanted their son to develop naturally, allowing his instincts to be maximally fostered.

The advantage of this parenting style is the consistent respect shown towards the children. However, both parents failed to consider in time that: their son was a child with a “special” personality!

Due to consistently placing undue respect on this specifically unique boy, they overlooked the fact that their son also requires proper guidance appropriate for the thoughts and behaviours of his age group. As a result, the child now displays many actions, thoughts, and outward expressions that make many people around him, especially teachers and peers, perceive him as a “bad person”, unwilling to play with him or to wish him well like they would with any other normal person.

Additionally, both parents are quite busy and do not have enough time to guide and accompany their son. Particularly the father – who always emphasises individualism and respect in parenting – is so preoccupied that he cannot dedicate enough time to focus on the child’s changes and development. Furthermore, the father constantly interferes with the mother’s parenting methods. When the mother noticed her son beginning to exhibit uncontrolled thoughts and inappropriate behaviours, she took initiative to correct him, only to be met with the father’s opposition. He continually insists on respect and individualism, allowing the boy to freely express his personal traits, forgetting that in order to cope with the outside world, the boy also needs various soft skills to adeptly manage the situations that arise around him both now and in the future.

It is indeed commendable that parents always respect their children and provide them with personal space to develop according to their age. However, for rebellious children, parents need to spend more time guiding them so that they can develop properly without losing their inherent freedom. In this family, the father and mother constantly contradict each other in their parenting methods; at times, the father has even pressured the mother, who is merely trying to discipline their son upon observing his excessively improper and disrespectful behaviours.

This lack of unity in their approach to parenting has contributed to the upbringing of a child who disrespects others, lacks self-awareness regarding their behaviour, and is viewed by others through a lens of “mistrust.” Living in such overly indulgent conditions has only taught the boy to “exploit” the inherent advantages from his family to blame others and demand respect, while his own behaviour and attitude show no respect in return. Consequently, the boy is always ready to vent his anger on others, feeling that he is not respected or treated fairly. He has become too accustomed to doing whatever he wants without considering the feelings of those around him, leading others to gradually avoid and dislike being near him.

Thus, by being overly busy with work and insisting on respecting and allowing freedom for personal development, this family has neglected to teach the boy that: Beyond his parents, no one outside owes him respect or attention if he does not reciprocate.

Do you know why bookstores always have separate sections for adults and children?
It is quite clear that when children are young, their understanding is not yet developed enough, and adult books might lead them to distorted thoughts and stray beyond their limits without being fully aware of the potential harm. As children grow and gradually experience these things over time, they transition from children’s books to young adult novels, and finally to adult literature!

Similar things can be applied in parenting. Children need to understand clearly: what are the age-appropriate limits? At each age, they need to know how to behave correctly, appropriately, and courteously.
To achieve this, parents must work together very cohesively, harmoniously, and share a common perspective on parenting to truly assist their children effectively.

Second story: 
Exceptional children – overly well-behaved
Contrary to exceptional children who are unique, those who are overly well-behaved often understand many aspects of life too early on, or one might say they are mature beyond their years. Like the girl in this second story, she is so well-behaved that she has already come to realise that she is enduring peer pressure because she always feels she is not good enough, not perfect, and always sees her friends as better than her. Even though to many adults – myself included, she is already doing a great job.

The young girl in this story is very understanding and diligent. She not only cares for her younger siblings and helps her parents with household chores but also makes it a point to wake up very early to study each day. However, no matter what she does, her parents never seem to acknowledge or praise her; instead, they always focus on her faults. Even if it is just a tiny flaw, it is enough to make her feel stressed because she knows her parents will see it as a sign she is not excelling or progressing, etc.

Now, even after she has earned a scholarship to study abroad, she continues to feel various invisible pressures weighing on her. Because of her parents’ persistent criticisms over the past decade or so, she still feels inadequate and lacks confidence in her own abilities. In reality, when talking with her, I know she is dealing with a mild form of depression, but since she is troubled, I prefer not to confront her directly about it. I choose to walk beside her slowly, perhaps taking a longer route, but as long as it benefits her in the present, that is what matters.

I understand and have always believed that the parents of that little girl also deeply love their child, but, unlike the family mentioned first, this second family offers not even a shred of freedom or respect. On one hand, there is a family that provides too much freedom and respect, inadvertently leading their son to become spoiled. On the other hand, there is one that is overly restrictive, failing to acknowledge the girl’s self-worth, always controlling every aspect of her life, and consequently creating a significant psychological burden for her.

From the stories of these two families, do you see anything noteworthy here?
There are three points I would like to share with you through these stories:

First – Never apply a one-size-fits-all parenting formula to all children.
Observe to understand your child better, and to guide them in the most appropriate way.
Parents truly need to spend time with their child to understand which personality group they belong to, and from there, provide proper support and guidance towards the best path for them. Clearly, from the two families above, I believe they both dearly love their children; however, one side, out of excessive love, lets their child roam free, while the other, fearing their child will spoil, tightens the reins too much. Both create significant psychological and behavioural issues for their children that they fail to notice.

When we understand the thoughts and feelings of our child – we will allow them the most free and optimal development!
Do not let your personal opinions, nor what you believe to be right and appropriate, unnecessarily “weigh down” your child, my dear friend!

Second – Being there at the right moment for your child is extremely important.
Regardless of which parenting method you use, being present when your child needs you is crucial and will benefit your child the most.

Childhood – the baggage children carry from their earliest days into life – consists of things that no amount of money can later buy for them. Because eventually, the child will grow up and move beyond our reach. However, will they find the right place for themselves and achieve peace and happiness? Or will they become psychologically wounded children who might spend half their lives just figuring out who they truly are and what their life is like?

My dear friend,
Whether it is joy or pressure, anxiety or happiness, maturity or corruption, etc. – all these are formed from the educational and cultural foundation within the family from when children are young. Of course, schools and teachers also make significant contributions to a child’s development. However, if the family does not provide solid support, it is very difficult for the school to intervene fully in the child’s education!

Therefore, the presence of parents during times when a child is sad, stumbles, and faces difficulties; or even when they are honoured, recognised, and achieve well, etc.; all these moments are very meaningful to the child. Each day, the child grows a little more, and the events you can share with them will gradually decrease. Childhood, especially under the age of 15, is a time when children always need their parents by their side, no matter what situation they are in!

Moreover,
Parents also need to clarify their viewpoints with each other before teaching their child, as opposing stances can create conflicts and confusion for the child; even for the more clever and peculiar children, they will immediately find the “loophole” between their parents to exploit the opportunity to ally with the more favourable parent when they make a mistake. I also believe that a child growing up with such internal conflicts will find it hard to feel completely happy! Because if they see their parents blaming each other every day in the process of raising them, how can such a child stop blaming others when they themselves make mistakes, right?

Third – Do not confuse the concept of natural development for your child with neglecting their upbringing.
No gem can shine on its own without the sculpting hand of a craftsman. Similarly, no child can develop properly without the appropriate shaping and guidance from their parents.

It is inappropriate to abuse the idea of “letting the child develop naturally” as an excuse for parents to have more time for work and to improve their economic conditions to provide a better life for their child. To me, this is even a pretext or an unfounded justification!

Natural development is when parents do not force or compel the child to do things they genuinely dislike. However, this does not mean that parents should refrain from intervening in how to mould or guide their child on proper and age-appropriate behaviour, especially concerning teaching values and morals from a young age.

Proper natural development involves parents spending time with their child, observing, and listening to what the child shares to truly understand how the child is doing, and advising them so that they can make the best choices for themselves, helping the child to progressively reveal their capabilities in the most positive way possible. It certainly does not mean letting the child drift along instinctively, surpassing proper limits and deteriorating in the eyes of others!

I understand very well,
Raising and educating children has never been an easy task for any parent. However, being present, understanding, and befriending your children are indeed the first keys to unlocking a future full of light for them.

So, if challenges are expected on any journey, why hesitate to face them and move forward together with your child, right? What matters is whether you want to face difficulties now or let challenges accumulate in the future – you have the choice!
Keep going strong!

Much love,
Truly Inspired