IN MY MOMENTS OF PAIN, WHERE WERE YOU?

• Have you ever been abandoned by a loved one during a disagreement? Or have you ever caused long-term pain to the person you love in an effort to protect your own emotions?

• Have you ever longed over the regret of a past relationship, years having passed, yet finding yourself unable to forget? In other words, have you ever felt unhappy because you could not forgive yourself for losing the most sincere love of your life?

I believe for each of these questions, there will be those who answer yes, yes, and yes for all! I, too, have witnessed many separations and the resulting pain and hurt in numerous couples after the end of a relationship. They could be people I know, my clients, or my loved ones.

The story I bring to you today is also a beautiful yet unfinished and haunting love story between two individuals living in the adult world!

I have a close-knit group comprising truly dear friends. Although each of us is in a different place, we always make it a point to message each other daily, keeping each other updated on our current situations. Sometimes, it might just be a smiley face or a sad face icon to express our feelings and situations at that moment. This habit has been maintained for quite a long time.

Towards the end of last year, one of the friends in our group informed us that she had broken up with her boyfriend. We, being women full of life, human, and love experiences, immediately shared our thoughts with each other, especially since, at that time, our friend was not only dealing with the breakup but also facing challenges at work. Everything coming at once made it particularly tough for her. Moreover, her relationship with that boyfriend was something she cherished greatly. The accumulation of all these uncertainties made her feel unsteady, despite her not being naive or inexperienced. On the contrary, she is very mature, capable, and lovable!

After some time had passed, recently, while we were still sharing news and photos with each other as usual, that friend let us know that she was still in contact with her ex-boyfriend, even continuing to do things filled with love for him. At that point, we all thought they had gotten back together. We were secretly happy for her, and assuming they had reunited, we playfully teased her about her love story. However, to our surprise, she confirmed: they had not gotten back together!

My friend told the whole group: She felt incredibly unsettled after breaking up with that man. To me, it seemed that for a man to make such a beautiful, confident, and capable woman feel this way after a breakup, he must also possess significant depth and value!

She also shared that after deciding to leave, she tried countless things to forget him, but no matter where she went or what she did, she saw traces of him everywhere. This left her feeling suffocated, uncomfortable, and troubled because the emotions in her heart felt constricted, choked by past events and memories of yesteryears…

Knowing both her and her ex-partner, I understand how difficult and painful it was for them to leave that relationship. So much so that after some time apart, both seemed to still harbour a notion of returning to one another. After a long period of silent suffering, my friend eventually reached out to her ex, but their conversation primarily revolved around mutual work-related topics they had once shared.

As for her ex-boyfriend, he too seemed to have realised his loss, or perhaps the regret that lingered during their time apart began showing subtle signs of wanting to reconnect with her. And because she also noticed this subtlety and delicacy, it stirred even stronger emotions within her…

However, she firmly chose not to go back to him. Even though she opened her heart to their conversations post-breakup, and even performed acts of love and care for him, she later shared with us that aside from still loving him deeply, she needed space to face the pain inside her whenever she thought of him! This also allowed her to feel complete in fulfilling small promises she had not managed to keep while they were together.

Through the messages she sent to everyone, I could distinctly feel the pain and choking sorrow she expressed when mentioning her ex. Because at that moment, she was also facing her own pain, looking at herself in the mirror and asking, “In my moments of pain, where were you?”

This statement led me to share this topic because, even though it pains me to see my friend this way, I realised she was asking a very valid question – in my moments of pain, where were you?

In my view, when a couple is in love, no matter how angry they might become with each other, they should not let that anger waste too much time. It is true that facing any conflict, both sides need space to avoid deeper conflicts and to refrain from saying things that would cause the other pain; however, this should not become a reason to avoid resolving the issue!

I have always held a principle that I apply not only in work and life but also in matters of the heart and marriage: Play fair! Whoever is at fault should take responsibility. If you do not want to “face the consequences,” then do not make mistakes from the start! If you have erred but then ask for space to breathe, rest, and avoid, it is clearly a lack of respect for the other person’s feelings.

We often talk about various responsibilities in life such as responsibilities to our jobs, to life, to organisations, or communities; yet, responsibility in our emotions and love often gets overlooked!

This is also one of the deep-seated reasons contributing to my friend’s decision not to return to her ex, despite the fact that they still loved each other very much, even profoundly!

Her ex-boyfriend often requested space to “breathe” after each argument or mistake he made – usually about two to three days. To be fair, we are all human, and we all make mistakes. Especially in relationships, sometimes both are wrong or both are right – but misunderstandings can still happen, and that is normal. However, once in love, no matter what happens, for me, choosing to waste time being mad at the other for too long is not an option. One day is enough, as this is the time when the most painful feelings are stirred. The extent of the pain depends on the depth of our feelings for each other. However, no matter how painful, it is crucial to start facing and resolving the issue right after a day spent “healing.”

Throughout my life, I have always firmly believed that no matter how angry or hurt we are with each other, when I learn that my loved one is facing a challenge, I will immediately choose to temporarily set aside any negative emotions to be there for them, to care for them, and to let them know that I am always ready to stand by their side, no matter what is happening. However, I also recognise that not many people decide to act this way whenever there’s conflict or resentment in their romantic relationships.

Like my friend’s situation, she was facing a multitude of challenges all at once yet her ex-boyfriend was still conspicuously absent, especially since they were in a phase of conflict and resentment towards each other. Unquestionably, my friend had to face all her pain and turmoil alone. Once she managed to overcome these difficulties, even though she still had feelings for him, she still decided to leave.

She knew well that he loved her, and he was also aware that my friend still had strong feelings for him. However, in times of resentment, he let his ego overshadow his affection for her, leaving her to navigate through the turmoil on her own! In my view, he was wrong because he allowed her the opportunity to self-heal from the wounds he had inflicted himself! Here lies the question: Who is he then, and what role does he play in this relationship?

We often think that time will heal all wounds. However, what is crucial in a relationship, for it to be peacefully and enduringly happy, is knowing how to heal each other’s wounds timely. It is not about waiting for time to heal everything, and worse, letting your loved one heal on their own from the wounds you have caused them – this is dangerous, as it can gradually wither away the love your partner has for you.

I know there are many couples out there who deeply love each other but choose to part ways after a long period of resentment. Then they only come back together because they still have strong feelings, yet the wounds linger silently within, even if one of them has learned to gradually heal those wounds during their time apart.

My dear friend,
Love is always accompanied by experiences of all intensities and hues, enabling them to discern what is essential to build lasting values for one another. Thus, there are relationships that, upon parting, leave behind deep regrets and unresolved feelings, but both parties decide not to reunite because they understand that, beyond their love, no sustainable values exist to elevate their relationship to a higher level!

As mature individuals, let’s all “Play fair!”
If you recognise yourself as the one at fault in a situation, face it and “take your lumps.” Because, even if you are tired from enduring the consequences, remember that the person who was hurt is likely feeling even worse, right?

Doing the right thing at the right time gives us a chance to grow together
Doing the right thing at the wrong time might mean we drift apart forever, living with regrets…

Never let your partner have to heal their wounds alone while they are still in a relationship with you because, by then, you are not only losing the important role of a mature person in the eyes of your partner; it might also turn into a lingering pain that makes you yearn for what was lost, especially when they can no longer return to your side.

And you know what? Sometimes, that person might be the one whom, for many years to come, despite your searches, you might never find anyone else who loves you with the same genuine love they once did, right?

Spend time healing each other’s wounds, and do not linger on resentment for too long, only to let the other heal alone. Because then, your worth in that romantic story diminishes over time and with each conflict. And things that wear down or get injured over time tend to break apart more easily, leading to separation and loss of trust. When that happens, no matter how much love there is, coming back together becomes impossible.

In love, without trust, maintaining sustainability can be very challenging!

I hope that you and I will never do anything to make either of us regret anything in our love, my dear friend!

Much love,
Truly Inspired®