BE KIND, EVEN WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY!

I have often talked about kindness in human relationships, but today I will delve deeper into kindness in love. And today’s story also follows this theme, although it may have a somewhat unhappy outcome: a young couple has just broken up, and the reason also stems from ‘kindness.’

Before I delve into the story, I have two questions for you: 

• If completely indulging kindness meant having to break up with your loved one, what would you do?
• If we choose to live kindly, but the results of those actions bring about some loss, or even feelings akin to hurt, would you have the courage to continue being kind?

I know it will be very difficult to answer these two questions. However, I hope that before you finish reading the story below, you will have an answer ready for yourself!

The story is, I have known this young lady for quite some time now, and we have had several instances of great collaboration in our work. Currently, she remains one of the coachees I deeply admire, so I have been accompanying her through many life experiences at present.

A few days ago, a new employee joined her company, and upon interacting with this newcomer, she sensed some peculiar psychological issues but hesitated to address them directly, and instead, she confided in me, detailing her observations about the new person. Based on her descriptions of behaviours and signals, I deduced that the person likely faced psychological issues, lacked communication flexibility, and encountered significant language barriers in expressing themselves.

Subsequently, she sought my advice on how to handle and work better with this new colleague. One evening, as she was preparing to leave, that person suddenly initiated a conversation with her. The exchange unfolded somewhat inadvertently, without any prior arrangement or intention from either party, even though she had been preparing to leave work with her boyfriend as they had plans together. Hence, when the new employee approached her, she honestly found the situation quite perplexing. She knew the person found it challenging to engage in conversations with others due to communication difficulties, so their initiative to start a conversation with her implied a need for assistance and also indicated a level of fondness towards her. Meanwhile, her boyfriend had been waiting downstairs for quite some time, but she could not join him immediately due to the conversation with the new colleague. After a while without seeing her come downstairs, he decided to come up to the office to find her. Upon his arrival, he saw her engaged in a cheerful conversation with the new colleague.

Reflecting a bit back, as she had often sought advice from me regarding the challenges the new colleague was facing, I had advised her to approach them with warmth, positivity, welcome, and sincere listening. Because individuals like them are quite vulnerable, introverted, and sensitive, they tend to withdraw if they sense even the slightest discomfort from others, no matter if it is intentional or not.

Therefore, she made a concerted effort to make the new colleague feel comfortable during their conversation, despite feeling extremely anxious inside, knowing her partner had been waiting downstairs for a long time. The moment she saw him appear outside the office door, she tried to call her partner inside – almost as if calling for ‘rescue’ because she did not have a specific purpose for talking to the new colleague, and she was not quite ready to end the conversation abruptly either. However, despite her calling out to her boyfriend to come in with her, he decided to ignore it out of jealousy.

She told me that if this coworker were just an ordinary person, it would be easy to interrupt their conversation; however, because they have communication and psychological issues, she dared not cut them off. And you know, with people who have language difficulties, once they find someone they like, they tend to talk a lot and it will be fairly difficult to get away.

Eventually, her boyfriend, feeling neglected, just walked away because he thought she preferred to stay and talk to this coworker rather than be with him.

My coachee herself is quite charming and attractive, which is why people enjoy talking to her. Therefore, in the past, her boyfriend has felt jealous a few times when he saw her talking to someone else.

The story might seem trivial and not much of an issue, right? 
However, her boyfriend’s act of ignoring her and walking away caused her significant distress. She believes he does not understand that she engages in conversation only out of politeness, also hoping to gather some useful information in the process, and to help that coworker overcome their psychological issues.

However, the man did not see it that way. He felt that he had been waiting a long time just to see her chatting happily with someone else, even though she had already explained the situation of the new colleague to him before.

She told me that she knows her boyfriend left because he was jealous and that he still loves her, but if she were in his shoes, she would have pretended to go inside to get a document or ask some question to check on the situation. Or to see if his girlfriend was safe, and why she had him waiting so long, rather than just ignoring her and leaving even when she tried to ask him to stay. If he truly cared about her, he should have done so. Because that would have shown his attention to and prioritisation of his girlfriend’s safety. And if he calmed down a bit, he would understand that her calling him to stay meant she also needed his presence there!

From then on, she felt sad and unsafe in her own relationship with her boyfriend. Whenever he felt jealous and uncomfortable, she felt neglected, regardless of her feelings at the time.

Like many other couples, their relationship became more complicated and dramatic following that incident. Eventually, they broke up after numerous arguments. Both of their hearts were scratched and wounded by each other’s words.

Do you see something here?
What I always notice in similar situations like this one is that:
Sometimes, because of momentary anger driven by an oversized ego, two people who love each other lose the chance to protect one another. Instead, they brace themselves to guard their own emotions against the other, and in those moments of letting anger take over, they forget just how much they have hurt the other person.

And you know, I have also known many cases where, sometimes, it is just a small fit of anger, but it causes someone to forever lose the opportunity to show care for the person they love for the rest of their lives.

Today, as I reflect on this story of my young customer, I am reminded of another heart-wrenching love tale of an older couple that I knew. Once, in a moment of anger, the woman left her lover to return home alone but kept his phone, preventing him from taking it with him. Tragically, on his way home that night, he met with an accident and passed away because, without his ID (his wallet had been stolen) and lacking a phone, doctors could not contact any relatives, and it took her another day to reach the hospital and find him…

The departure of her boyfriend has left her with a pain, a torment, a regret, and even a haunting trauma for over a decade. All stemming from a burst of anger! What seemed like a small rift expected to only slightly distance the lovers’ hearts ended up separating them forever, in an unimaginable and permanent way…

From these stories I have shared, you might have gleaned some lessons. However, I also want to offer a few words of advice:

Sometimes, small incidents can have large consequences. Sometimes, minor quarrels, driven by ego and a loss of reason, can result in losing loved ones at any moment. And some departures are forever.

I do not know how you usually behave in love and affection. However, for me, I will always choose to protect the ones I love first. I choose to live kindly with others, but first and foremost, I remind myself to be kind to my loved ones, my family, and those close to me! Because if we are only kind to strangers while ready to hurt or neglect our loved ones, then that kindness is not truly genuine!

Just like in both love stories I just shared, I believe that all those involved also wished to live kindly and help others wholeheartedly; however, they could not maintain their composure, and one of them let anger consume the kindness and loving heart they had for their partner. In the end, what remains is only a profound regret!

If only we could be kind to our loved ones even when engulfed in anger, if only we could overlook those uncomfortable feelings for their sake and truly listen to what they want to say, then perhaps there would no longer be any regrets. Right?

Nonetheless, life does not often give us many chances to say “If only,” so no matter what happens, I hope we still remain clear-headed enough to choose to live kindly with ourselves and others, especially those we love, my dear friend!

Much love,
Truly Inspired