PARENTING – “TRAPS” BORN FROM LOVE

Every newborn child is similar to a blank paper. The first strokes of ink are always the foundation. Since they are the foundation, they mostly stem from the parents.

During a recent ordinary family visit, my young niece, who was an old granny at heart, held me close and asked,
“Auntie Na, why do you seem different now? You are stricter and not as gentle as before.”
With this tender inquiry mixed with a touch of apprehension, she still came at me straightforwardly to find an answer. It touched my heart deeply. Though she is just a child, I have always cherished her as my daughter, to the extent that many people have also mistaken her for my child, too. I have always been willing to do anything for this little one whenever I could. However, this reunion came after a rather long separation. When standing before this tiny girl with her heartfelt questions, my emotions were undeniably stirred.

Somewhere deep inside, I understood that when she asked that question, a part of her wondered if I did not love her as much as I used to. After years of not seeing each other, the image of affection, care, and always willing to spoil her seemed deeply etched in her mind. Therefore perhaps, in this reunion, she felt that a long period of not seeing each other had dimmed my love for her. I sensed a hint of disappointment somewhere in her heart.

However, I composed myself, held her close, one hand gently stroking her hair, the other caressing her cheek, and said, “Na knows that in the past, Na would do my best to provide for you whatever you wanted. The love Na has for you has not changed, it has even grown stronger. However, Na has come to understand something very important: ‘We need to love our children in the right way for them to grow up. As children grow older, adults will have different methods of teaching and educating them.'”

After hearing my response, she continued to ask, “Auntie Na, what experiences have you gained after taking care of your little one that made you think you have to be stricter with us?”

I smiled gently and told her,
“My little one has made many mistakes out of improper love. However, now, she has been able to fix those problems and become a much better version of herself than before. That is why I am confident that it is crucial to provide you all with a strong foundation first. Therefore, I am not spoiling you guys like before anymore. Instead, I will have better, clearer but suitable rules for your age.”

As she listened to my words, my little niece still seemed a bit uncertain about what I, her aunt, would do next to her. On one hand, she could sense that I had a serious attitude towards her. On the other hand, she could also feel how challenging it was for me to change the way I expressed my love for her. Nonetheless, she also started to realise and understand better the love I have for her now and in the future.

My dear friend,
Loving and caring for our children is entirely natural for parents. However, if we are not careful, we may unintentionally turn ourselves into “sweet traps” for our children, leading to creating another version of them that might not be the most conducive to their development in the future.

To clarify the metaphor “sweet trap,” I will share with you three more stories:

I know a boy who had a kind heart and was always full of love for those around him. He was the firstborn grandchild in his family and also the firstborn grandson in a large family. Because of this, the affection from every family member was immense. Perhaps due to the family’s high expectations and longing for a child, he held a very special place in everyone’s hearts and perspectives, and consequently, he was always seen as a very lovable boy, and they would always shower him with praise.

Due to the overwhelming love and cherishing, as he grew older, he became aware of his significance within the family. Therefore, whenever anything did not go how he wanted it to be, he would get upset and throw tantrums. Even back in middle school, he still behaved immaturely like a child just like how he acted in his family. This excessive protection of his big family has affected his social life at school. His classmates were not fond of talking to him much. Because he was used to seeing himself as the “centre of the universe” whenever he was at home, he projected the same mindset about himself at school. This behaviour led to isolation and mental damage from his friends. Gradually, he narrowed down his circle of friends to just a few ones left. He always relied on the love of his family, inadvertently pressuring them. He even brought the same mindset to school, making it difficult for teachers to be able to open up with him, too. As a result, he faced many challenges at school and was often teased by many peers for his “mommy’s boy” personality.

A similar example:
I know a family with a daughter who was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Consequently, from the early age of 8 or 9, she was already exposed to a plethora of modern technologies, such as computers and social media.

Despite her tender age, she began exploring websites and apps of foreign artists, seeking online interactions and creating videos of herself dancing to popular songs, much like a professional adult. She would upload these videos to social media platforms and quickly gained recognition as an “online gangster” on various channels. Unfortunately, due to early exposure to toxic online environments, she unintentionally adopted certain online behaviours in her real-life interactions, sometimes coming across as a bit rebellious when talking to her parents. She eventually fell victim to the allure of love’s “sweet trap.” Her parents, though genuinely busy, believed they did not have enough time for her, hence in an attempt to compensate, they often resorted to material gifts, inadvertently overlooking her impolite behaviour.

Another similar example:
Now, let’s talk about a boy who, even though with mild autism, is still clever enough to know what he wants. Due to his intelligence, he had often used it to make demands from his parents and also cleverly used his ADHD as an excuse to do as he pleased. All of that just to live in his world of divergent thinking, he became an “online gangster” with over twenty accounts on various social media platforms.

Then you know what? This boy not only grapples with autism but also carries deeply skewed beliefs about his sexuality. This has led to lots of damage to his soul…

Just like you have seen, in each of these cases, while the circumstances were different, all three children ended up exerting pressure on the adults. They intentionally misused the affection they received from parents to also force them to satisfy the kids’ demands or allow them to do whatever they wanted to. Even if those behaviours or hobbies were misleading and bad. 

As the Vietnamese proverb goes, “Parents give birth to a child, but the heavens determine their nature,” or “Each finger on the hand is different in length, let alone children.” We have always been aware that each child is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all rule for all children. However, the common problem in those cases is that all children have received overwhelming love and indulgence from the parents, without any considerations about how their actions might affect their future development.

For example, in the case of the first boy and the second girl, both were surrounded by an abundance of love, with their parents so busy that they always felt guilty. Therefore, what the parents did was fulfil every one of their wishes, turning them into a child who never wanted to grow up. They compensated for things with material possessions, sometimes even inappropriate possessions for their kids’ age. At the same time, they did not give the children the chance to express their gender identities. This made them a child who could not differentiate their gender, because of the excessive motherly care.

In the third case, this is also the prevailing mindset of most parents if their child happens to suffer from a difficult-to-cure illness: “They are our baby. We will love and indulge them, and then gently correct them later.” However, you know, when a child is young, they are the easiest to be educated. We often tend to overlook this foundational stage, waiting for them to become a bit more mature before teaching and guiding them, only for them to start arguing instead of trying to follow.

When raising children, parents need warm hearts and chill minds. Warm hearts provide enough love, and protection for the child, and chill minds have the rationality to discern whether their expressions are truly beneficial for the child, or even if they are setting up “sweet traps” that their child will fall into, keeping them from growing up, and causing them to develop in ways that are not appropriate for their age.

Being a good parent means dedicating time to your child, not compensating for it with material possessions just because you are busy. No matter how much material wealth you have, it can never fill the void left by the absence of affection, comfort, and childhood happiness!

In the case of the third child mentioned above, because the parents did not have enough time to accompany and provide therapy for their child, the process of symptom recovery took a very long time. It was only until his family truly focused on healing his damages that the child’s issues were treated in over a year with results up to 90%. What is noteworthy here is that this boy is a real-life example that shows if parents sincerely walk alongside their child in all circumstances, everything can be fixed. If the boy’s family had prioritised treating his mental issues years ago, he might have been much better, maybe even completely cured. Especially regrettable events like these would not have occurred so frequently if he had the strong support of his family’s loving embrace!

Therefore, how can we avoid creating these “sweet traps” from a parent’s love?
I have three questions that I think all parents should ask themselves when raising their kids. Once you have truly found the answers, you will never worry too much about creating these “sweet traps” anymore.

First question:

• Can you accompany, protect, and care for your child throughout their entire life?

Second question:

• Have you ever experienced punishment from someone other than your parents? Like sudden hits from society, or punches from life? Do you find that those reality hits from the outside world hurt even more than the spankings and scolding from your parents in the past? So why not use those real-life experiences of yours to share with your child, so they can learn and improve themselves better?

Third question:

• Do you want to become a good role model for your child to follow? If so, why not keep a “cool head” to develop alongside your child from now on?

These are the reasons why I sometimes can be strict with children around me. That is because I believe, one day, they will understand how much I love them. It is just that I need to do what is right to build a solid foundation for them first before they step out into the world.

I know I will not be able to accompany these kids throughout their entire lives. One day, even adults will follow the rules of this life and leave the children, after completing the mission that life entrusted them with. When that time comes, no matter how much the adults care for the little ones, they still can never force themselves to stay. Therefore, teach your children life experiences, and accompany them in the early stages of life, even if sometimes it means doing things you do not want to, so that they will develop better off in the future.

That day, when I said this, the “young granny” shed tears again, and she told me, “Auntie Na, we do not want you or our parents to leave us. We want everyone to stay with us forever.”

The two kids burst into tears, but in their hearts, they understood what I had been saying all afternoon. I chose to be straightforward and gentle in sharing with them, so they could understand what I needed to do. Additionally, they can realise that these “sweet traps,” originating from love, might not always be the best for them.

Raising children is by no means an easy task. However, providing a strong, fundamental foundation will at least help your children whenever there are no adults around supporting them. They can grow up and step out into society confidently, understanding their values.

To all the mothers and fathers! With the role and responsibility of a mother, I know there will always be a lot of difficulties and challenges we must face on this journey of accompanying our children. However, stay firm, resolute, and determined. Let us help our children avoid these “sweet traps,” so that in the future, they truly understand what genuine sweetness tastes like, shall we?

Much love,
Truly Inspired