PARENTAL EXPECTATIONS ON THEIR CHILD: GOOD OR NOT?

“Could you possibly write an article on “Parental Expectations on Their Child” for me? I have been struggling with that a lot lately.”

Returning home from class, I received a message from a lovely reader of Truly Inspired. This girl had interacted with various Truly Inspired articles and podcasts before. When opening her message, I instantly thought to myself: “Let’s do it.” Thus, the reason she reached out was her concern for her niece. The young girl was burdened by heavy expectations from her parents, and she did not know how to help. She hoped I could share some advice so that she could use it and help her niece in some ways.

As I have consistently focused on topics related to Parents and Children in previous Truly Inspired articles, I did not hesitate when deciding to start working on this blog.

I believe “Parental Expectations on Children” is a familiar topic to everyone. Whether it is just ordinary children, early achievers, moderately well-behaved kids, or exceptionally well-behaved ones, it is still a common concern as kids start becoming aware of the world around them.

From the message, I learned that her niece is an excellent, diligent, and extremely talented young girl. Despite being in her teenage years, she still takes care of her younger siblings, excels academically, and manages all household chores. However, her parents never stop piling on more expectations for her.

Due to these high expectations, after finishing high school and preparing to study abroad, her parents told her to aim for overseas scholarships, assuring her that they could not do much for her anymore. It has been a while since graduation, and all her friends have gone abroad for studies. Nonetheless, she was not able to go because she had to seek a scholarship!

Her mother made her call various service providers to inquire about scholarship programs, to the point that she felt embarrassed and hesitant every time she tried making a call. Every time her mother asked for an update on her scholarships, she would always feel hurt, pressured, and confused.

Throughout her life, her family has placed immense expectations on her. From her young age until now, she has never dared to falter in her studies. For her, the pressure from peers was just one factor, but the expectations from her parents were tenfold.

After reading the heartfelt letter she sent to her aunt (our Truly Inspired reader), I genuinely felt deep sympathy for her. A seventeen or eighteen-year-old girl, who even though has barely encountered any obstacles in life, has already done so well, surpassing many peers. She excelled in academics, obediently followed her parents, and managed household chores while taking care of younger siblings. That is something not everyone in the young generation can do, right?

I noticed that this responsible young girl always pushes herself to “do better” to meet the expectations of the adults. She thought she had to excel in everything, otherwise, it would not be acceptable!

Everything listed above is a real-life experience of this teenage girl. When being an adult, carrying many responsibilities is natural. However, reading the thoughts and concerns of a seventeen or eighteen-year-old made me feel somehow choked up. Perhaps, she was in so much of a tangled situation but did not dare to complain to her parents!

You know what? Despite the psychological pressure and sometimes the crisis of the “scholarship fever” imposed by her parents, this girl loves her parents so much that she wonders if her stress is justified. Such a heart-wrenching story, is it not?

In reality, after completing high school, one can choose to attend a local university or study abroad. There is no strict rule that after high school, one must study abroad. However, the school she attended had some differences. The curriculum used by this school is entirely from a foreign institution. Therefore, after graduation, students would have only one option left: studying abroad. With the certificates and knowledge gained, they cannot enrol in the usual local universities.

You know how kids are, they often like new things, always eager to enjoy favourable conditions, especially with the allure of quality education. This was probably why the girl was enthusiastic about studying in that high school, and she would boldly ask her parents to let her study there. However, what is noteworthy here is that when hearing her daughter’s proposal, her parents did not thoroughly research the aspect of “not being able to enrol in a domestic university after graduation” of this type of school. Neither her father nor her mother informed her about the pros and cons of the new school’s curriculum. Even the financial situation of the family was not shared with her. Children may be understanding, but they genuinely cannot comprehend the family’s financial situation, especially when they are living a full life.

From the letter I read, I understood that the girl was somewhat shocked when she realised that her parents could not pay for her education abroad. She only had one option left: striving to get an overseas scholarship.

I asked my reader to convey to her niece, 
“Do not pressure yourself. Every young person wants to enjoy good things in life. Nevertheless, being parents, they must also be able to analyse the life path that their child chooses and understand its advantages and disadvantages. Thus, your parents should communicate with you about your family’s financial situation and whether they can afford to send their child abroad. This is a big flaw on the part of the parents, not you. Therefore, do not stress yourself out. You have not done anything wrong in choosing this school!”

I always support allowing children to choose their life path. However, in my opinion, parents should take full responsibility for analysing all aspects, both positive and negative, of a decision so that the child would not be stressed and can decide on which path they need to take while understanding the risks they may face.

In this story, I think the girl’s parents might know about the conditions of studying abroad after high school, but due to expectations and the belief that their daughter can handle everything, get a high scholarship, and become self-reliant in studying abroad, they did not talk much about this on the day the girl applied to this high school.

Reading the story of this girl reminded me of another case of a family with quite good living conditions. However, the parents were too busy with work, so they could not spend much time with their son. As expected, when entering adolescence, the boy began to live rebelliously like many other kids. At that time, his parents always thought that his unruliness and difficulty in educating him were due to impacts from friends he would always hang out with. Therefore, the boy’s father said that if he wanted to live the way he was fond of, he should just live independently. The father did not even think about whether perhaps it was because of a lack of care and parental companionship, along with the common rage of teenagers, that have created unhealthy habits in the boy’s life. Unbelievably, the father pushed him away, thinking if his son could not grow up to be a useful person to society while living under such good conditions, then he should experience life on his own to learn how to be independent and better.

Nonetheless, for a child who is accustomed to a comfortable life, at such a young age without knowing any life skills or social skills from his parents, pushing them out into the world to be independent, is it not too risky and could make them more distant from us and more prone to be more damaged?

I know everyone cannot avoid being stumbled or experiencing injuries, but for a child, these are not good experiences because they are more likely to go astray than grow truly after the storm!

Just like the story of the girl above, I strongly support parents empowering their children to make important decisions in life because it also shows respect for the child’s opinion. However, I still think full empowerment should only be given if parents have enough time to accompany and help the child develop basic life skills.

Parents should at least analyse the pros and cons for their child when they want to do something their way, then once the child makes their decision, they must take full responsibility for their choices. Parents should be the mental supporting source when their kid stumbles in life instead of expecting the child to be “a saint” who can grow up without close observation, reminders, or guidance from parents.

The previous generation may have been able to grow up on their own because, at that time, every family was similar. They were all under difficult circumstances, and society was not so advanced. There were fewer dangers than there are now. Therefore, even if their parents did not care about them that much, previous generation kids still managed to grow up and mature while this could not be true for modern times where just within a square kilometre, an enormous amount of social issues can appear, from on social media to real-life.

Remember when you were little, the times your parents were busy with work, businesses, or caring for siblings and accidentally forgot you? You felt very sad and hurt, right? Therefore, why are you inflicting those injuries on your children now?

Every adult was once a child, yet a child would not be able to become an adult immediately. Therefore, the expectations of adults on children are always an invisible pressure that makes it difficult to escape, even if they share with you or not!

Expecting your child to be better than others. Expecting your child to achieve top grades. Expecting your child to always be the best-behaved. Expecting your child to always achieve the most admirable achievements.

Do you not feel the pressure? Well, I felt pressured already!

A child, just being healthy and living a peaceful life, always striving to learn good things, having strong opinions, knowing how to care for others, and always being happy with their childhood, is that not the best thing?

Do not bring the pressures of adult life to crush the wings of these angels, please! These children will grow up soon, and they will also have to face their difficulties. Therefore, while they are still close to you, love and help them more than you are doing now!

The expectations of parents for their children may exist, but do not turn them into a wall that separates the affection between you and your child! That is because your children will always expect you to understand and accompany them frequently! Can you do that? Give it a go, my dear friend!

Much love,
Truly Inspired