THE MOMENT WE GROW A LITTLE OLDER, OUR LOVED ONES ALSO GROW A LITTLE FARTHER AWAY!

Have you ever done any of these things for your parents, grandparents, or the elderly loved ones in your family? For example:

• Preparing a basin of warm water and helping them soak their feet so their muscles can relax and they can have a better night’s sleep?
• Massaging their hands or calves so they can feel less weary and sore?
• Gazing deeply and intently at their face as they sleep, noticing the crow’s feet, age spots, and wrinkles that cover it, even as their expression rests peacefully in slumber?
• Or holding their hands, seeing the worn, brittle nails, the cracked skin, the wrinkles that are traces of time engraved upon them?

….
And so on… There are many more things I could ask, but perhaps these alone are enough for you to already have your answer, right?

I know that many of us have taken care of sick or ailing loved ones, that we have bought all kinds of supplements and healthy foods for our parents, hoping only that they may stay healthier each day. However, these quiet, meticulous, and tender gestures like watching them as they sleep soundly, looking closely at their hands, their feet, or the corners of their eyes marked with lines are not things that many people truly do.

I know that somewhere deep in our consciousness, we are always aware that our parents are growing older, yet unless we take the time to really observe and look closely at them, and unless we notice the marks of time etched into their hands, their eyelids, their heels, and so on, we do not fully realise this truth: that they are aging day by day, and with that, they are also drifting a little farther away from us…!

Lately, I have often come across stories about people or situations related to family bonds, about the differences between ages within one household, the contrasts in outlooks on life between parents and children, etc. And most of these stories seem to echo the same reminder: Spend more time with our loved ones, because the moment we grow a little older is also the moment our family drifts a little further away!

One of my coachees recently shared with me that during the last Tết (Lunar New Year), when her extended family gathered at her home, she had the chance to see many familiar faces again after a year apart since she had been working in a distant city, with few opportunities to meet those relatives throughout the year. And on that very day, while everyone was eating, one of her elder uncles was looking for a place to lie down and rest, and it was the very uncle who had raised her from the age of 13 until she graduated from university at 22.

When she saw him lying down, an unexpected pang of alarm and tenderness welled up inside her. She suddenly realised that this uncle was now 70 years old, and that shock came from the fact that somewhere in her mind, she had never thought of him as having aged so much. She told me she stood there for a long time, gazing at the face of the man who, 17 years ago, had spoken to her parents and asked them to let him take her to the city, to raise her and give her the chance at a better education. It all began when once her uncle drove back to their hometown after a week of heavy rain and a great flood, even though the roads had become passable, water was still flowing across several stretches of the village’s concrete bridge, and all the roads were still very slippery and dangerous. At that moment, sitting in the car, he noticed a thin, frail little figure, familiar somehow, struggling to pedal a bicycle loaded with boxes of all shapes and sizes either tied to the back seat or dangling from the handlebars in front. That scrawny little figure was none other than the coachee herself at ten years old. She was on her way to pick up goods for her mother’s grocery stall, because after days of rain and flooding, the stock had run low and there was no longer enough for the neighbours who came to buy.

That very afternoon, her uncle spoke with her parents and offered to take her into his household and to look after her, because he saw how hard life in the village already was for her and feared she might neglect her studies later on, even though she was doing very well in school at the time. However, since her mother had just given birth, she wanted her daughter to stay home for another year or two to help care for the baby. Two years later, her uncle returned and finally brought her away. Perhaps her life truly turned a completely new page from that day on.

And now, during the Lunar New Year of her thirtieth year, she suddenly realises that more than a decade has indeed slipped by in the blink of an eye. On that day, when she looked into the time-worn face of the uncle who had raised her and given her the best conditions for schooling, who enabled her to win admission to the high school so many dreamed of, who opened doors to new horizons in the bustling city so different from the quiet afternoons when she and her childhood friend walked home from the village school in her primary and middle years, who allowed her future to broaden, etc. She suddenly felt a twinge of guilt, a trace of sadness, a pang of worry and sorrow…

Because she knows that time once gone does not return, and she cannot make everything stand still, cannot keep her uncle or her parents forever young and forever close to their children and grandchildren, untouched by age.

That is how it is, my dear friend!
The moment we grow a little older, is also the moment our loved ones drift a little further away!

Distant in spirit, in age, in geography, and in time
Distant between life and death

As we grow up, our parents grow old
As our children grow up, we too grow old

When children are still young, they cannot fully understand what their parents are doing or saying
When parents grow old, they cannot understand the modern things their children are engaging with or becoming…

All of this follows the law of nature, except no one ever tells us when the moment will come when we no longer have the chance to see someone again!

Time is harsh, life is full of challenges, and the relationships around us gradually change, and sooner or later, loved ones drift away from us in ways no one can prevent.

So how can we make it better, when this law cannot be changed?
For me, there is only one way: to practice living deeply with everyone in every moment!

When we live deeply, we truly “exist” in the lives of our loved ones, not just appear in form. When we live deeply enough, we become more mindful of always striving whenever we can to give more time, more care, more love, and more understanding to those we cherish! That way, we will not be filled with regret when they leave or when they are gone forever. We will not look back in remorse over what we once did wrong to them. And our hearts will always carry them, and theirs will always carry us, even if neither side has many chances left to meet again in this life!

“If we know that a hundred years is finite” (*), if we are always aware of the harshness of time, then we should choose to live and treasure every moment with our loved ones, make an extra effort for them, and stretch our patience and kindness for them a little more. Because who knows whether, in another lifetime, we will ever meet again? And even if we do, no one can say we will still be each other’s beloved family!
Am I right?

I hope that both you and I, we will continue to remember more and more the lessons of time, of love, of growing up, of generational differences, etc., so that we can better understand the truly precious value of the love and kinship we share with our families, my dear friend!

Let us keep trying together!

Much love,
Truly Inspired

[*]: Title of a book by Phạm Lữ Ân