WHAT IS “NON-INTERVENTION” WHEN EDUCATING CHILDREN?

In Vietnam, there is a saying about family and marriage: “Men build the house, women make it a home.” This means that men are responsible for major tasks like earning money, being the economic pillar, buying houses, cars, and so on. The lighter tasks such as raising children, keeping the house tidy, and taking care of the family in general fall to the women. In my view, this perspective is quite sensible if we think about how men should take on significant responsibilities to ensure the family does not face financial difficulties, while women turn the house into a warm, loving home. However, none of them should look down on others’ roles, but they should respect and share their responsibilities as intended by this saying.

However, you know, some people have misinterpreted this saying in two ways. First, they underestimate the importance of taking care of their home, considering it menial work which is not worth a man’s attention. Second, they believe that teaching and raising children is solely the woman’s responsibility in “creating a home”, and any issues that arise, such as a misbehaving child, are attributed to the mother.

This is where the phrase “A misbehaving child is the mother’s fault” originally started. In many families, when a child becomes unruly or refuses to become mature, it partly stems from the mother’s excessive love and indulgence. After being spoiled too much, eventually, the child might stop listening to the mother altogether and even exploit her affection for their benefit.

Today at noon, I watched a very insightful video about parenting by Steve Harvey – a highly talented comedian and renowned TV host in the United States. Steve said something that struck me as very accurate: “Kids are smart, they can even scheme to outsmart their parents. That is why my wife and I never show any disagreement in front of the kids. My wife might not agree with me on something, but she never expresses it in front of the children because that is the weak spot they will pick up on to figure out how to deal with us when they need to.”

What are your thoughts on this perspective? Let me explain my viewpoint a bit further.

I have encountered many situations like this, where both spouses share the responsibilities at home, whether it is economic or taking care of the household and children. However, when it comes to disciplining the children, disagreements often arise. While the husband was firm and strict in addressing their son’s mistakes, the wife felt that he was being too harsh and jumped into their conversation. The wife frequently defended their son, making it clear that she was the lenient, forgiving one, while the father was perceived as the tougher one. As a result, whenever there is an issue, the children tend to run to the mother first to seek comfort or even to get her to soothe their father. This pattern repeats over time, leading to ineffective discipline and their children not being afraid of punishments anymore. This is why the saying “A misbehaving child is the mother’s fault” is true in many families.

It is not just in one or two families, I have witnessed this scenario countless times throughout my childhood and even into adulthood. I understand that, as women and mothers, we tend to be more forgiving and sympathetic towards our children compared to men. However, you know, fathers also treasure their children as much as we do. They also suffer and feel uncomfortable if they have to reprimand their children too much. Do you remember the older article I shared on Truly Inspired titled “Why is your child not being honest with you?” It also mentioned how the father, after scolding both of his children, would quietly go behind the house just to cry like a little kid. 

It is like that. When a child makes a mistake, even if it seems small, considering its potential seriousness, if the problem becomes a recurring issue, the father will naturally be stricter, especially with sons.

Remember, all fathers in the world have boundless love for their children. However, their way of showing it might not be as gentle as mothers’.

Recall why you married your current husband. Was it because he possessed good qualities, knew how to handle work, cared, and showed affection? He must have many admirable qualities, right? Therefore, when he is teaching your child, let him finish his duty. He knows best how to guide and mould the child to be a good person – at least, to be like him. If you find him being too harsh or leaning towards being violent, address these concerns privately when the children are not around. I believe that your husband will know the best way to teach your children.

Here, I am not discussing husbands who are irresponsible or neglecting their families. Men are like that, they will not care about educating their children or helping their partner, so there is no need to bring them up. I am only talking about situations where your husband is a good person. Let him express himself and share responsibilities with you. You should not take over his duties or his responsibilities in the family.  

In the family, both parents being allies in front of the children is better than being in opposition. Well-timed and reasonable interventions will make parenting smoother and more manageable.

Furthermore, if you want your children, whether sons or daughters, to be happy, it is best to let the father educate the sons and the mother teach the daughters. Of course, there will be times when both sides need to exchange roles to provide a more well-rounded perspective on parenting. However, generally, you should delineate these roles.

If you hope your son grows up to be a good man like his father, let him spend more time with and learn from his father. If you want your daughter to find a good husband like the one you have, teach her about the standards for choosing a suitable partner and how to become a valuable, independent, and self-reliant woman.

That is how you can “not intervene” but still fulfil your duty of caring for and educating your children completely. In my current family, this is also how it is. I will be the one to inquire, show concern, and at times, even be stricter with our daughter so she knows what is right and wrong. However, there are times when I will step back and let the father and daughter have their heart-to-heart talks so she can learn more about the world of boys, understand better the role of women in life, and so on.

In summary, raising children is a challenging journey, but it is not overly difficult if both the wife and husband know how to switch roles appropriately and flexibly. Always remember, sometimes “not intervening” is the best way to teach children. Let each person play their appropriate role and take up their responsibilities, because ultimately, our goal is a happy family with well-adjusted and mature children, right?

Much love,
Truly Inspired