HOW CAN PARENTS INFLUENCE THEIR CHILDREN’S LIFELONG HAPPINESS?

There was a girl who was born into a family that was not harmonious. On lighter days, there would be heated arguments, filled with smoke and fiery words, and plates and bowls would be shattered, needing to be replaced every few days. On heavier days, there would be merciless beatings inflicted by her father upon her mother. There were nights when she would be soundly asleep, only to be abruptly awakened by the sound of thumping and muffled cries coming from behind the house, intertwined with the painful sighs of her mother.

That cycle kept repeating itself ever since she was a still toddler until she reached adulthood. Countless nights spent huddled on her bed, wrapped tightly in a blanket, afraid to breathe too heavily, tears streaming down her face but lacking the courage to step down from behind the house to shield her mother from her father’s drunken rage. His intoxicated state, filled with ferocity, with a hand raised and ready to strike, while his slurred words spewed forth, cruel and offensive, directed at the girl’s mother.

In the end, her parents divorced when she was 15 years old. However, it does not matter whether that marriage ended sooner or later, it destroyed the sweet childhood that she should have had, and also contributed to destroying her later marital happiness, which she did not even realize…

From her childhood to the time when she acknowledged more things in life, that girl has always been in a violent environment, and no one cared about her. Therefore, deep down in her heart was always a great lack of affection. She always felt that no one loved her, and no one would truly be there to comfort or pamper her when she was sad.

One of the most precious things that life has given her, perhaps, was her beautiful, attractive, and cute appearance which has become even better over the years. That was also why when she grew up, she was noticed and flirted with by lots of men.

Then, among those men, with some who are intellectual, some handsome and elegant, some have stable careers, some have a good family background, etc, in the end, she chose the man who cared about her the most!

To her, he was the one who loved her the most, always cared and listened to her, and lastly is very willing to do whatever she needs and or get her whatever she wants. From those little things, the girl decided to get married to the man who cares about her the most.

It seemed to her that the moment she got to know him was the happiest in her life because that man helped her fulfill the emptiness she has always been carrying in her heart ever since her childhood. He was even the one who helped her to always feel happy and positive when they are together. She thought that he was truly the man of her life!

Then, you know what?
After marrying the man she thought was destined for her, she became emotionally dependent on him!

Whenever he is happy, she will be happy, even full of excitement. When he loves her, she feels that her self-worth allows her to be loved unlimitedly. Nonetheless, no one can be happy every day. On the contrary, there are days when her husband is upset, furious at the company, and contracts with partners that did not go well. He becomes less energetic and begins to be more irritable. Therefore, the girl was hurt and dissatisfied again!

During those happy and loved by her husband moments, the girl always feels secure deep inside. On the other hand, when her husband was upset and no longer trying to comfort her as much as before, the girl immediately felt insecure.

She always wondered why the man who first came to her would always willingly love and comfort her so much, can now be so easily annoyed, irritable, and no longer pay attention to her. She began to not accept her husband’s change. She thought that when he had begun to change, he no longer loved her.

The more she thought about it, the more uncomfortable she felt every single day that passed by. Then over the years, the cracks and arguments between the two people were getting more and more serious. The girl no longer felt that she could understand her so-called soulmate, and the two were gradually separated so much from the inside that they could not make up for it or find a way to heal the damage anymore. In the end, the husband had an affair.

Of course, a girl who grew up in a harsh, tough life will always somehow have a strong personality. Therefore, when she discovered that her husband was cheating on her, the girl decided to end everything thoroughly and divorce him.

After the damages in that marriage, she was determined to never get married again, because she was so afraid of falling into the same situation again. Most importantly, she no longer believed that marital happiness is a real thing!

She stayed single and raised her child alone until her son reached the early age of an adult. She always thought that her son would be the best support for her in the future. She did not need anyone else. As long as her son always loved her and was always there for her, she would be satisfied with her life.

After a while, when her son started dating, started to live in his world. He, just like every other child in the world, rushes into life with his wings of youth to discover this world and to love enthusiastically, becoming busy with his plans and ambitions. Behind all of that was a mother who had to be alone again for a long time. He occasionally called her to check up sometimes, but it was impossible to discard the emptiness in her soul when missing her son, as well as the loneliness that was deeply developed in the mother’s heart.

The girl, now a mother, has begun to ask these questions again:

Why can I not get someone to truly love me and be by my side all my life? Why do I always have to live with such a lack of affection from others?

Why do all my loved ones leave one after another, even though they treated me so gently before? First was my ex-husband, now my son?

My dear friend, this whole thing was just a story, but do you realize, this story, this character, this situation is all very familiar to you?

That is right! It is a story that happens every day around us. You can see it in your relatives, friends, partners, customers, … and in many other surrounding people’s lives.

When reading the story, do you recognise any lesson here?

I know there will be people who blame the girl’s parents for her whole childhood being filled with unhappiness. From those misfortunes, she suffered severe mental damage. Therefore she always lived in a state of affectional deprivation.

There would also be people who blame her parents for being selfish, and not caring enough to take care of her, which later led to her misunderstanding the definition of happy marriages.

Then some people would notice that she did not know how to love herself at all, nor was she strong or independent because she always considered the emotions and affection from others as a main source of support in her life. She did not know how to rely on herself, to live her life independently!

If you agree with the first opinion, I do not object. Moreover, if you agree with the second or third opinion, I will not say you are wrong because the girl’s case is true to all three opinions above.

Due to the lack of her parents’ love, the discord in her marriage, and the lack of happiness and marriage education from her parents during her childhood, all have created a beautiful, smart girl, who lacks faith in life. She is truly a lovable person but does not know how to love herself!

I have come across a profound quote by Osho, the spiritual master from India, which goes: “The one who has the capacity to be alone is the one who has the capacity to love.”

This is one of the quotes that helped me affirm that: No matter who we are, we will eventually live with loneliness sometimes. That is okay. When we can overcome those lonely times, we will be the strongest and happiest people in this world because we understand the value of happiness, and understand that whenever we have ourselves by our sides, living alone would not feel sad anymore!

Every child would have lonely moments and every adult would have more and more lonely times. However, those are just small moments in life. Then they will pass by and new, exciting things will be waiting for us ahead!

When you can think like that, you will understand that being alone is okay. We can be happy on our own, embrace all our sadness, experience it, feel it inside us, and then forget about it!

Then you know, when an adult thinks like that, they will be able to guide and show their children how to practice self-love, or how to make themselves feel satisfied and happy with this life!

Your marriage may fall apart or be consummated but do not put the burden of bad consequences on your children, accidentally allow them to follow your children their whole life!

Always teach children that each of us can only accompany others on a certain journey together, and no one knows in advance how long or short the journeys would be. Therefore, they should always learn how to be independent, to love and take care of themselves, so that they can firmly overcome this tough life and be able to build up a happy, satisfying life, knowing how to make others happy, in the most suitable way!

Much love,
Truly Inspired